Insomnia, the cat, and crying at the kitchen table

I have been minimally surviving the last several day, re-living Dad’s dying is still so very painful to walk through again.  Add to that I have run out of sleep meds and there’s a snafu with the prescription, I’ve been getting, oh, maybe 4 hours of sleep each night.  Nice, eh?  That’s one thing I do not understand about TBI is why in the heck wouldn’t your injured brain want rest in order to heal?  I was never an insomniac pre-TBI.  Bah!

And, my kitty with Kidney Disease, things are progressing and I need to take her into the vet every couple of days for subcutaneous fluids to keep her from slipping away more.  So while I can’t sleep, I ruminate about doing the right thing, am I just postponing the inevitable?  I know that is definitely the case.  How is her quality of life?  Is she happy about still being here or is she ready to go?  Some of these questions will be shaped in the next couple of weeks as we get started doing the fluids every week.

And lest I forget to mention, the financial drain and how this reminds me of when my dog, Rudy, was declining in health with her Cancer.  Posts here and here.

I’m making myself try to imagine life without Tux being here, where we would bury her and everything.  Part of me is saying this is all WAY too much right now.  Being such a part of Dad’s passing, and, within days before his passing our neighbors put their dear dog (and our dear friend) to sleep.

But it can’t be too much because it is happening.  I believe for Tux I’ll hold the same thing true as I have for my dear Dad and dog Rudy…as long as life holds you here, I will fight for you, but if it’s your time to go, I’ll help you go.  It is the least I can do.

And the crying at the kitchen table.  Yesterday Richard brought the mail in, and has been usual since February, some of the mail was for my Dad.  Bills, I’m fine with.  I opened a notice for the final reunion of Dad’s Navy Seabees Battalion and I completely lost it.

I was the one who got him in touch with the reunion committee years ago, Dad even hosted a reunion in Seattle which included everyone coming to Bremerton (where I lived at the time) so they could tour the USS Turner Joy.  One of the gentlemen in the group had worked on that ship, it was the most surreal feeling to see that come full circle.  I got teary eyed.

So yesterday, I cried and cried at the kitchen table remembering…and…letting myself feel how utterly painful it was to watch Dad waste away.  I remember sitting there at Hospice feeling so terribly alone, feeling a kinship with every other soul in this world who has watched a loved one die.  I thought of those in Calcutta dying in the streets, and those who experience the Holocaust, and millions of people who have shared in this same experience.

Being tired because of lack of sleep and now an emotional outpouring, I was…and still am exhausted.  I’ve been having trouble staying focused, organized, and on task lately.  I get little done by day, and am awake almost all night.  Outside of the lack of sleep, I know it’s grief and I need to be gentle with myself.  There is a reason it’s called grief ‘work’.

I will get back to blogging about the funeral as soon as I am able.  Thanks for being here, dear readers.  Life is still a precious gift no matter what.

About Resilient Heart

TBI x3, that's me! If you had a Traumatic Brain Injury (or Injuries!) and knew you might not remember dates, events, people, etc., would you live each day differently? Would you give more, forgive more, heal more? I am. The statistics for me developing Dementia or Alzheimer's is a high possibility - one, because of the TBIs, and two - because I'm genetically predisposed. Come with me as this present moment is all we know we have... Wishing you all the best - today & always. Blessings, Love & Peace, RH
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14 Responses to Insomnia, the cat, and crying at the kitchen table

  1. So very much to go through all at once. Wish I could just sit with you at your kitchen table as you cry and grieve. My heart and thoughts are with you. Rest where and when you can.
    lots of love xo

    • Thank you, so much of my life has been spent alone, I don’t know how to grieve around anyone. Even Richard was outside at the time. 🙂

      I’m going to call the Dr’s office aaagain tomorrow and see if he can’t just prescribe me even a couple days worth.

      Thanks, my brain usually asks me once nicely to rest, then it makes me! 🙂

      Lots o’ love coming right back. 🙂

      • I understand crying alone. Even from afar I’m sitting with you with my hand on your shoulder.

        I’m glad you’re going to call the doc, I hope he gives you what you need to rest!

        love love xo

  2. Oh Zoe, you’re so sweet! Thank you. You have a gigantic-enormous, super-sized, strong heart. 🙂

    I hope he can, this is flipping crazy! It’s amazing what getting off a routine does to a person, wow.

    Lots and lots o’ love! 🙂

  3. Since my stroke, I had been lucky to sleep 2 hours straight. So, it was 4-5 2hour deals each night. I have gotten now to sleeping 4-5 hours, then 2-3. That still leaves me tired, but much better. I am told that the stroke damaged the part of my brain in which Melatonin is made or some other similar chemical. Taking Melatonin has helped, but the problem is falling to sleep in the first place. It takes 2 meds to do that right now and they leave me groggy for 10-12 hours. I am not a good morning person.
    I understand. Hang in there.

    • Oooh, Scott, I’m so sorry to hear this. I’ve been taking the lowest dose of Ambien for years now, it acts immediately so I can actually plan when I go to bed (which seems to help my brain a lot when I keep a routine).

      I have been taking a generic Kirkland sleep aid recently and well, it doesn’t kick in fast and then all I want to do the next day is sleep all day and I’m groggy and pretty much useless.

      It’s so hard finding just the right combination to achieve the desired effect. One time, years ago refilling my Ambien, my doctor was hesitant about refilling it. I didn’t understand her concern and she said they needed to make sure I wasn’t selling it on the street! OMG! I can’t even imagine the expression on my face, I said no way, I need those! My second comment was I don’t even think that way.

      Hang in there too, I know you completely understand.

      • If the other isn’t working properly, ask your doctor about Valerian root and/or Melatonin.
        Valerian root works in about 30 minutes has a sedative-like effect. It’s an herb, but the doctor allows me to take it with my Sonata. I can’t take Ambien, I did and had the rare effect of insomnia! and didn’t sleep for over 26 hours.
        The Sonata is what lasts for so long. The Valerian root wears off in hours and the Melatonin is to help regulate sleep not put you to sleep.

      • Wow, that’s really interesting. I did try Valerian Root and Chamomile tea and neither did a thing for me. Melatonin worked for me briefly years ago and then never again. Egads, not sleeping for 26 hours, phew! It can be quite the roller coaster ride trying to find what works.

      • Yes, and now that I have it, basically, it will take mountains to move me from it.

      • I’m the same exact way! 🙂 So glad you’ve found what works for you.

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