Back to the Beginning: Update (posted Jan. 8, 2010)

I’ve needed to update for quite some time, but with holidays, Richard having been here, working on the house, migraines, an inordinate amount of body pain from the last fall, changes in medications, the sewer being connected and all the interior and exterior changes to the house, I’m a bit beyond tired and overwhelmed. I guess dealing with any one of these things would be a pretty big stressor. Oh yes, can’t forget, packing moving, sorting through belongings, holding on, but mostly letting go.

As I write, a police or ambulance siren goes blaring by, I will not miss that part of living here.

I think it’s quite safe to say, “Calgon, take me away!”

The melancholy or sentiment the last couple of weeks has been greater as I let go of more and transition from living here to sort of living off sample size items and only the things I need for day-to-day living. I guess most folks are older when they get to this point of having to let go of so much, and those outside that transition cannot fathom the difficulty. It is, in essence, a type of death, an acceptance of a lot of difficult life truths.

Oh – I completely forgot to mention, I will have to begin driving 30 minutes+ each way each day for the next 5 weeks to take care of medical needs of my horse. Vets orders, and need to have her healthy before she moves. Wow.

Still no word from the Disability attorney about my case, this is a long, languishing journey in itself.

I don’t know I’ll be able to find an attorney for the auto accident and may need to put that on the back burner – but – bummer is, I owe the hospital for medical expenses incurred after my PIP coverage ran out. It is nearly impossible as the patient to keep track of one’s spent resources when it comes to these things because some facilities only bill the insurance once a month. It is exhausting when every area of life is a fight for survival.

Home mortgage – well, one day I’ll blog specifically on this, but suffice to say, we’re still in the process of sending documentation, yes, one would think we’d be done with this by now since we started in August. Same as above, an honest fight for survival.

I am getting to the point where I’m unable to pay my utilities, especially now with the sewer hook up, my gosh, how life can fall apart. Yes, the number one reason for bankruptcy in America is due to health problems. But I don’t want to be system supported, I really, really, really miss being fully self-sufficient! Oh gosh, if only effort and intention were enough.

I am definitely at a different place in life, thinking on lots of things, pondering our values in life, wondering why we have a stubborn belief things will always get better. I guess I continue to question everything I know because so much of it hasn’t quite jived with real life.

It is my sincere hope to still be able to make a difference whether I have to go on Disability for the rest of my life or not. My comfort level is certainly being involved in life, growing, helping, giving, being an active participant, I’ll never settle for being a spectator. Life is simply too short.

I cannot see what the future holds, I can’t even fathom the rest of this evening! I do hope for a place of nurturing, where I can once again grow strong, live, and not fight so much to just survive. For those not within this struggle, the stress, the whole journey, is simply unimaginable.

About Resilient Heart

TBI x3, that's me! If you had a Traumatic Brain Injury (or Injuries!) and knew you might not remember dates, events, people, etc., would you live each day differently? Would you give more, forgive more, heal more? I am. The statistics for me developing Dementia or Alzheimer's is a high possibility - one, because of the TBIs, and two - because I'm genetically predisposed. Come with me as this present moment is all we know we have... Wishing you all the best - today & always. Blessings, Love & Peace, RH
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