Back to the Beginning: That’ll Leave a Mark (posted Sept. 4, 2010)

It all started out innocently enough yesterday…

I went out to give my horse some carrots, and since I’m not the give-your-horse-treats kind of person, I decided I’d have her earn the goods. I set out a tarp for her to cross over each direction to see it well from both eyes.

After a little bit, she went over the first side just great, I asked her to head the other direction and cross. Along about that time a huge horse fly decided to disrupt our class. 

I went to swat at it, Sadie cow-hopped kicking her back left leg and nailed my right hand! Hat went flying, I let out a startled gasp, oh my gosh, the pain! Nothing broken, I could still move it. Decided to finish the lesson, give her the carrots in the trough, pet her and go ice my hand.

(Doesn’t look too bad in the photo, my middle finger took the brunt.)

I picked up my hat and as I looked up, our neighbor was standing by the carport with fresh corn, she didn’t say anything other than she’d leave it by the front door, I don’t know if she witnessed any of the excitement.

Richard was working outside, I told him I’d just gotten kicked, it was no big deal, I’d finished the lesson with Sadie and was going for the ice pack. Richard came in with me, we played Yahtzee (I rolled left-handed for the first time ever!) while I iced my hand.

He voiced his concern maybe I over estimate the connection I have with Sadie and is concerned if we were to ride off the property something serious could happen to me. Yup, I’d thought about it myself too. These moments of failure remind me I’m no horse trainer and need help.

It’s scary and disheartening the Natural Horsemanship stuff I’d learned pre-injury and tried to maintain during the injury has faded like most every memory. All the clinics I attended, the ‘watching so hard’ I gave myself eye-strain headaches, time spent working with Sadie, the books, DVDs, videos, poof, gone from memory.

Richard said I know how I want Sadie trained, and I said I really didn’t and that it scares me I just don’t remember all the training that meant the world to me and made my eyes light up. It makes me wonder if I should pursue horses at all. I said I know it’s dangerous, but then again, so is going down the stairs for me (LOL)!

It surprises me I’ve not found a single Natural (Vaquero) Horsemanship person out here – I thought I moved to horse country! I posted an ad on Craigslist immediately after I moved here looking for someone who could help and have found no one. A waitress at a local restaurant has a daughter in college 5 hours from here completing her Business and Natural Horsemanship degrees and asked me if they could count on me for next summer. I said yes unless I found someone sooner.

There is a gal whose name I heard in passing and I’ve contacted her although I don’t know the type of horsemanship she does, so we’ll see.

Horses are my first and last frontier. They were my first love since childhood, and then in my twenties my brother stole my saddles (talk about hurting someone on a deep, molecular level), I gave away my model horses and thought that dream had faded.

But I don’t know. I trail rode when I was probably barely 5-years-old and my joke is ‘horse’ was my first word. So much of life post-TBI ends up in utter ashes, it’s tough to ponder having to give up something like this.

I was pretty honest with Richard tonight saying I know the disconnect with Sadie lies with me and I don’t know if it is due to the last accident. I’ve said since the day I saw Sadie that she was my heart on four feet but I’m not feeling that way now.

I’ve said it many times, what’s the point of fighting so hard when you end up losing everything in the end?

I can’t see giving Sadie up unless I cannot care for her, but what good am I doing her by not helping her live up to her potential? Would it not be better for someone who is a good hand with horses and is not limited to her being a pasture pony most of her days because I’m not able to get out of bed?

Ah, life with Brain Injury, always a plethora of heartbreaking questions and decisions…a heart aching for solutions and doing the right thing no matter what.

About Resilient Heart

TBI x3, that's me! If you had a Traumatic Brain Injury (or Injuries!) and knew you might not remember dates, events, people, etc., would you live each day differently? Would you give more, forgive more, heal more? I am. The statistics for me developing Dementia or Alzheimer's is a high possibility - one, because of the TBIs, and two - because I'm genetically predisposed. Come with me as this present moment is all we know we have... Wishing you all the best - today & always. Blessings, Love & Peace, RH
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