Back to the Beginning: Limbo Land and Thoughts on Humankind (posted Feb. 9, 2010)


A difficult place to be, in between systems, no longer able to be fully independent, yet not approved for assistance. If it were not for humor, I think I would have died long ago.

For now, I wait on the Disability process, it seems we will meet before a judge in approximately six months. I am glad I decided I needed to sell the house rather than wait upon a hoped for miracle and face a much worse fate.

My food benefits have not been renewed because of a mental screw up of mine, thinking I had until the end of January to get my paperwork in, I was wrong by a long shot. I wrote them a couple of times, explained, apologized, and nothing.

I wish I could say I live in a no-flake zone, but do not. The contractors, the help I need to get the house prepared to sell hasn’t happened, no returned calls, not showing up, whatever. I am down to the wire and really just need folks to simply show up and do what I have to pay them to do, or what they volunteered to do.

I did do some yard work today until I reach that point of excruciating pain, the strange head pressure on the right side of my head that makes me wish mercy was within reach. I have to stop, then start again, slowly, and pace myself. ‘Tis frustrating when so much needs to be done.

I have set my alarm clock earlier in hopes I can get up and get even more done. I’ve gotten to the end of my rope and have been so tired I’ve slept through my alarm. I’ve asked Richard to call to make sure I’m up so I can try to get the things done I’ve needed others to do for me. Somethings will naturally be out of my grasp, but have to do as much as I can on my own.

I am back seeing the chiropractor, they graciously called to remind me of the re-exam we needed to do and I mentioned I’m not sure if this would be a re-exam or new injury because of my fall in November. At this point, even though my PIP coverage is exhausted, we’re documenting this as relating to the accident last year. Before that accident I sure didn’t fall.

I’ve been receiving mail from the at-fault party’s insurance and since I can’t obtain an attorney who will take a small chance on me, I’m wondering how to answer. Their latest correspondence was requesting a release of my medical records. It is these times I do so wish I had access to legal counsel, even just to know what I should or shouldn’t do at this point. We know how the insurance companies railroad the folks who have been harmed by their insureds.

My heart is with others in this same boat, struggling to just survive, unable to get the help and assistance they need. I went to the community resources (yes, they only open appointments up on one day a month so you can get scheduled for the following month, and God help you if you don’t get scheduled, you have a long time to wait in Limbo Land.) I do not qualify for utilities assistance – get this – because I earn too much money on Unemployment! Ha! I told her the amount of my mortgage and she said they do not take that into consideration. Oh my…

About the mortgage, my lender has once again declined my request for mortgage restructuring, goofy people, they say I don’t qualify. Oh yes, I’ve been current on my mortgage payments since day one over seven years ago, but they say they cannot help me now. Lovely!

For others walking in this path, I send you warm thoughts of sunshine in the midst of these storms.

For those who are honest, wanting to make an honest way through this crazy system we have, I send you courage and strength to not compromise who you are.

It seems others not only benefit but thrive on the very systems we’re trying to just simply get the barest of help from. For those, I do not know the circumstances, but do know if it involves me compromising or being dishonest, I’d rather be materially poor than to sacrifice my heart and soul.

These are heartbreaking paths we walk upon, seeing the lack of help, the harsh reality of human behavior (we’re just animals and animals know the injured, weak, a rare few may be kind, all others are just looking to take what they need without a thought for the other.) These are the piercing truths I would never see thriving in the business world, making lots of money and having everything I wanted or needed. I am wondering if it is indeed survival of the fittest or just survival of the greediest and most shrewd.

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About Resilient Heart

TBI x3, that's me! If you had a Traumatic Brain Injury (or Injuries!) and knew you might not remember dates, events, people, etc., would you live each day differently? Would you give more, forgive more, heal more? I am. The statistics for me developing Dementia or Alzheimer's is a high possibility - one, because of the TBIs, and two - because I'm genetically predisposed. Come with me as this present moment is all we know we have... Wishing you all the best - today & always. Blessings, Love & Peace, RH
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