After several days of apparently trying to do too much, my brain switches to mass confusion mode. I can’t figure things out, lose things, and my world turns upside down.
I have been on Twitter trying to help draw traffic to the folks who did my WWII memorabilia auctions on eBay. I thought I’d finally had a routine when all my circuits got crossed. I made mistakes which I didn’t initially realize, tried to correct them, got confused again, tried to correct the correction, and ended up very, very frustrated with myself.
These are the reasons why no one will hire me and why I can’t keep a job. It didn’t just hurt that I was making mistakes but I was representing them, the mistakes are clearly mine.
Today was the first day of going to take care of my horse’s medical needs. I left the house completely forgetting my cell phone, sunglasses, not my usual self. This evening Richard arrived (I only learned of his planned visit yesterday), and when we went out, I locked the keys in the house.
My brain space is empty, and it still frustrates the tar out of me because I very much want to be a productive, contributing member of society. These moments of big mistakes still frighten and alarm me because it’s as if my own brain has betrayed, or worse yet, left me.
It is a process to learn to still love that which I feel has betrayed me, and which I can no longer rely on.
I do have much to do and I often talk about if I add one thing to the small brain balance scale something else falls off. What this means is survival mode once again, not doing extra things like enjoying the feeling of being more social on Twitter, and taking a break from trying to help the folks who helped me so much. I will not go to support group from now on, I just can’t do any of the extra things that bring me life and help me feel more connected to the world outside of me. It is both frustrating and exhausting being unable to be consistent.
I saw many new signs of houses for sale in the area and on the drive up to the barn, yes, I’ve got to get mine listed too. Much to do, lots to get rid of, a truck to sell, a house to sell, a lot of things I’ve never done before even prior to Brain Injury.
I can feel the area of my injury twitching, all the baseline things of Brain Injury come back when I’ve overdone it. I imagine it’s my brains way of requiring me to stop and rest before I make more mistakes or hurt myself by falling again.
For now, I take a break. Be blessed everyone.