Back to the Beginning: Between Hell and Nowhere (posted Dec. 16, 2009)


I decided to call the attorney recommended by a fellow support group attendee last week. Having gone through this process twice already with attorneys who declined my case, he said, “maybe he can help you.”

Long story short, the attorney believed I was credible, forthright, seemed like a nice person who is obviously suffering. I’d be better off with representation because my PIP coverage ran out and there are outstanding bills, no other insurance. The phone call, like many before, show I have a tough case with little monetary value.

He believes the insurance company will blame the prior Brain Injuries, and this was a “low-impact crash,” we don’t have much of a case. That coupled with the fact I’m moving to Montana doesn’t help. I told him it’s self-preservation, survival. He said you have to do what you have to do.

He starts his cases at the $2500 level meaning if the damage to my car was less, he won’t take it. Lovely, just one more thing I don’t qualify for.

     What pierced me to the core was when he said,
“basically you’re more trouble than you’re worth,
it’s a business decision, don’t take it personal.”

(Did I mention living with a Traumatic Brain Injury is an endless hell?)  I know it’s a business decision, that’s what got me here in the first place!

He said he’d take a look at my documentation the week after next but certainly wouldn’t be likely to take my case.

I got off the phone and started crying and pretty much hadn’t been able to stop until Richard called. He asked what was wrong because I sounded different, I told him why.

The Wells Fargo stuff made me mad, this talking to an attorney, stirring up a tremendously painful past, being blunt as he was made me cry. Sobbing I said this is why people kill themselves, because there is no help, and I feel like my world is falling apart.

I’ve done everything I can do to get better and nothing worked, if someone said chewing gum was good for your brain, I did that, physical exercise, nutrition, brain exercises, you name it, I did it. No one wants to get better more than I. But here I sit sounding and looking okay and my life is completely blown apart. There are test results and documentation to show my deficits, but that holds no weight. Odd.

This is what makes me cry, the feelings of worthlessness because my ability to earn a living has been altered by other people’s negligence. I cry because of the lies, how lawyers twist the truth so the insurance companies are not held accountable. The feelings of failure, fatigue, resignation, defeat wear me down. This is a spiral downward and my efforts cannot stop it. It feels like there’s just not enough help in the world to fix any of this.

Richard said there’s a place for me there in Montana, and to leave all this stuff in the past. I told him I was scared because if something happened to him, my whole world would fall apart again. He said he takes responsibility for his health, but that’s a concern for him too.

He put up another wall in Sadie’s stall today and is working to get it finished enough I can move her as soon as possible. Richard did what he could to get me to stop crying, reading me stories about Secret Santas who anonymously help people this time of year. That was neat to hear.

I’ll tell you all this one thing, the reason why I seek to do good, to make a difference, to help, oh my gosh, what else is there? Focusing on the good I can find in this hell is what helps keep my sanity, because honestly this does feel like the weight of the world on my shoulders. At least I now have Richard’s help so I’m not going this alone anymore.

It is staggering what people do to each other…nothing personal, just business decisions. God help us.

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About Resilient Heart

TBI x3, that's me! If you had a Traumatic Brain Injury (or Injuries!) and knew you might not remember dates, events, people, etc., would you live each day differently? Would you give more, forgive more, heal more? I am. The statistics for me developing Dementia or Alzheimer's is a high possibility - one, because of the TBIs, and two - because I'm genetically predisposed. Come with me as this present moment is all we know we have... Wishing you all the best - today & always. Blessings, Love & Peace, RH
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