For those of us who grew up in pretty chaotic homes, finding home is quite a journey. For many years I hid in my bedroom out of the line fire, safe only in the presence of animals in whom I could find compassion, consistency, and comfort.
Animals have always been instant calm, they keep me grounded, sensing, seeing, feeling.
I am currently in Montana, Richard came and picked me up at my home, drove me and my dog Rudy back here so I could get a sense of the area before the move, since I’ve never been here, it is a good idea! 🙂 It’s beautiful.
On the drive over as soon as we hit the foothills of the Cascade Mountain Range, I felt the burden I’d been carrying these last seven years lift. I am an outdoors, nature loving gal and I haven’t been to the places my heart loves dearly and in a way, that can be like a death in itself. I think our hearts and spirits have a language all their own, not confined to the limits of communication and words.
The people here are kind and cooperative, generous and helpful. People help each other out here and are concerned for their neighbors. I feel at home here, able to just be myself and that is enough.
I’ve loved horses all my life, so being in an area of acreage, horses, horse tack and even western clothing thrills my heart to no end. My expression, my entire countenance has changed since having Richard in my life again, here where my heart is not fenced in.
Richard and I continue to talk and it is wonderful, we’re deeply committed to doing things that foster a close-knit relationship and maintain it long-term although neither of us had 3-D models to learn from. Learning from Pema Chodron, I believe if we can get to the heart of our genuine sadness we can do great healing, and not cause harm in the first place.
I have missed being a part of Richard’s life, his energy, his relating to and caring for people. He inspires me. He makes me want to do better, be happier, kinder.
My heart knows a peace, safety, security and freedom it has only known when I’ve been ‘safe’ alone, usually in nature or with animals, and unguarded. This is new territory to feel this way around a person.
I will return home with Richard’s Grandmother’s ring (if we can find it!), it is still sized for my hand and Richard said he was hoping over the years he would not have to get it resized! (Yes, he held hope out for 15+ years we’d be back together some day.) Spring will be the preparation and Lord willing, sale of my house and a move to beautiful Northwestern Montana and a different sort of healing for Richard and I, and my injured brain.
I am at peace, grateful and content. At the age of 42 I think I may finally have found home and a place of belonging.
There are lots of volunteering opportunities should I be able to get on Disability, there is a lot of need out here, but I like the fact most everyone seems to be on the same level. Not so much ego, pride and division as in the cities and suburbs. No matter what, I would still like to be involved and able to make a difference in the lives of others.
Next week is the Neuro Psych test and a return to the life I’ve known for so long, but am grateful for something to look forward to on the horizon and a great friend to share it all with.
We had our first rough day with Rudy since arriving last week and we thought we were going to lose her last night. I’ve been to this place with her, crying, telling her it’s okay to do what she needs to do for herself, she can rest or leave. She drank a lot of water and her eyes are brighter.
She had been struggling with what looked like convulsions in her tummy. Richard and I laid down on the floor with her, cried for some time, he then fed her turkey which was a great sign she hasn’t reached the point of not wanting to eat.
This morning she was up again drinking a lot of water and acting more spunky. Her tail is a little limp, I’ve never seen it like that. We’re taking it step by step, may return home earlier than planned depending on how she is doing to get her to the vet if needed. Rudy is not in pain for which I am grateful.