Back to the Beginning: Second Day (Nov. 29, 2009)


The heavy cloak of grief did not feel as weighty today. Oh yes, still a lot of sadness, but the deep sobs have subsided for now.

I will continue to miss her and now that I’ve wrestled with the regrets and all the complications involved, adrenaline, fear, and such, I am beginning to feel peace. So many things I wish I could have done different, afforded her better care, etc. I have to forgive myself as I’m sure Rudy held no resentments, we learned to love each other, foibles and all, it’s as simple as that.

I have been in touch with a woman on freecycle who is always looking for freezer burned meat for her dogs.  I told her I have quite a bit of ground beef that isn’t freezer burned, and I would love for her to have it. There is approximately 22 pounds of meat I just bought this month.

She used to be a patient at the chiropractor’s office I used to work at years ago, I know she’s good people and am happy to send my love for Rudy along with it. She may also be able to use the kibble left over. She also does a natural/raw foods diet, so for many reasons it does my heart good to see this going to her and her animal family.

I’m also going to give her the two Safeway gift cards that were given to me, I never buy groceries there and I thought with the holidays coming up, it’d be a super neat blessing. She has a husband and two sons that by now must be in their mid-20’s, so I hope that will make their Christmas more bright.

I am really trying to get the sense Rudy is okay now. In fact, the day I came back from the vet, the woman posted her ad on freecycle looking for freezer burned meat (imagine, the timing!).

The other thing that struck me as odd that day was when my cat Tux sat at the heater as she likes to do, there was a little whirlwind of cat or dog hair that swirled around a couple times. I’ve never seen that happen before, and wondered if it was Rudy’s way of one last time playing and telling me she’s really okay.

Crazy or not, I’ve had signs which I believe are loved ones who have passed on letting me know they’re okay.

This afternoon while snuggling with Precious, my little grey kitty, I asked him, “Do you miss Rudy?” Surprisingly, he shook his head no. They had been friends at one point and then Rudy had him in her mouth shaking him and that ended their friendship. So I asked then, “Where do you guys go after you die? Is she okay?” With that, he did not answer and I figured that is just something I have to learn on my own.

I’ve collected Rudy’s toys and other items to be donated to St. Vincent de Paul, I know they will be sold at an affordable price so someone else will get use and enjoyment from them. And I know the money they make goes back into their foodbank and new homeless shelter they just built. They do great things in our community, I have no qualms about supporting them.

I called WalMart yesterday and was able to get them to refill my sleep meds, I don’t know why it didn’t go through the first time, but the call fixed that. I picked them up today, so hopefully tonight I’ll sleep through the night for the first time in a long time. I think I’ll call my Neurologist and see if he wouldn’t mind taking over prescribing it and allow me to do the automatic refills through WalMart instead of having to get my new physician’s approval each and every time.

I was in the Living Room just a few minutes ago and found Rudy’s brush I’d been using, Rudy always enjoyed being brushed so thought it might be of comfort to her. I’d forgotten I’d left it there and when I saw it, my heart melted and I said, “Awww…” I smelled it to see if I could recapture her scent, none was present. I pulled the hair from it and told Rudy again I love her and God bless her and then tossed the hair away and put the brush in with the donations. I miss her so much.

I am slowly working back to life’s routines without Rudy. It’s amazing how much a dog wraps herself around your heart and never, never lets it go.

We all seem less happy without her, even the house and yard feel like they’re missing her too.

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About Resilient Heart

TBI x3, that's me! If you had a Traumatic Brain Injury (or Injuries!) and knew you might not remember dates, events, people, etc., would you live each day differently? Would you give more, forgive more, heal more? I am. The statistics for me developing Dementia or Alzheimer's is a high possibility - one, because of the TBIs, and two - because I'm genetically predisposed. Come with me as this present moment is all we know we have... Wishing you all the best - today & always. Blessings, Love & Peace, RH
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