Life has been passing by at breakneck speed and I’m peddling fast to catch up.
Last weekend I had a friend of mine from Montana pick up my Mom’s big old Hobart mixer, I gave it to him because he used to appreciate and admire it. This is the same man who years ago saved me from being separated after I was tossed out of our white water raft.
We have remained friends, sometimes as distant as acquaintances, never really close since we were engaged years ago. He is one of those unusual people who sees other people’s needs and does something about it.
During his visit this time was the first moment I had feelings for him. He is a good man, I feel safe in his presence, and I always felt protected. Rare things for a gal with my history.
He is offering to help me, no strings attached. He did tell me at one point he checked in to seeing if we got married if his benefits would extend to me. There’s too much of an age difference for that, but his even having that thought in his mind was huge.
My head is spinning trying to recall details because a lot has been going on. When he shared about the “m” word, I had already been thinking of asking him to think about if he could see us as more than friends.
He said yes. He never dated after we were engaged, I went on to date, get engaged, but never married.
We talked, we cried, we laughed, we spoke of things we’d never spoken before, life has softened us both. There is talk of me potentially relocating to Montana, to the wide open spaces my heart craves, and property for animals, seclusion, quiet.
He will be helping financially as he can month-to-month which takes a huge amount of pressure off me and I finally feel like I can breathe again. I felt I was suffocating for so long.
Last night at support group the topic was Suicide. I had no idea I was at such high risk when we were told the triggers or things to look for. Although I was taking notes, I did see the Occupational Therapist glance at me when she said something to the effect of your body will shut down if you try to maintain an unhealthy level of stress.
I think I’m supposed to be here. It was one of those divine moments where everything seemed to resonate with where I’ve been and what I’m feeling. My faith has kept me from doing any harm to myself, but boy, have I thought about it. Those dark places are a natural part of this difficult process, too much bad news over too much time will degrade one’s spirit and health.
So for now, my intention remains the same, to stay here until Spring and then sell the house if the market bears it. There’s none of the typical relationship pressure or stress here, so we’re taking it incrementally. I am carrying the intention in my heart what I do is because I love him and I need to be consistent.
He respects my space, my person, my independence, my survival skills, and maybe most importantly, my connection with animals. We share a lot of perspectives, have both worked and lived together. Our work ethics match.
He was recently in the newspaper for the work he does giving. He inspires me. He has that same thoughtfulness and concern for everyone, I am blessed beyond all measure to be included in his inner circle. Trust, relationships, having someone to care about and care for me are big things.
Love in the beginning, love in the middle, love in the end.
It was a good visit, it is humbling to be in the presence of someone stronger than me.
I told him I’m not a damsel in distress, but the truth remains, his help is saving me once more from the brink of the unknown.
Hugging him I was reminded it’s okay to be happy. I want to be in the presence of people who are good for me, who make me want to do the right thing, be a better person. I feel that here, and that everything is going to be okay. In all my years since I first met him, he is the only man I knew I could trust.
I hope to continue to sell things, declutter, give things away, prepare the house as intended. I am also hoping this respite will grant me the ability to help other TBIers before I leave. Seems we’re all running into the thing of having too much stuff and not enough money.
Starting with the next support group we’ll be having a social gathering afterwards which sounds wonderful to me. I’ve been in such need the last several years, it will be a blessing to be able to give.
One of the Masons who (via my friend Kathleen), will help with the house stopped by this week to do a walk through. He hopes to have a group together in the next week or so.
What a blessing. I am glad I’ve asked for help, despite my typical ‘go-getter, independent woman’ mindset, sometimes we all just need a little help along the way and there’s nothing wrong with that.
And, when the house sells, I can pay Richard back for the money he loaned me. There is a greater indebtedness I cannot repay of someone coming in and helping at a time I was at my wit’s end. He said it means a lot to him to see me go from the verge of crying to laughing.
I am grateful for the rest from this heart storm which made me dreadfully weary and heart sore…and to be able to focus more on the greater good.
Thank you for your prayers and support. I am in awe, humbled and grateful.