Back to the Beginning: Another Busy Week (posted Aug. 20, 2009)


I’ve been wanting to update my blog but have needed some time for things to settle a bit first. I must say having a love interest is adding a lot of good energy to my life, even with him in Montana, I still feel close.

I had been looking forward to my appointment with the Occupational Therapist on Monday, in hopes of sharing the news with her, but she was out sick, so will have to wait a week. I’m quite sure the changes to my insides show on the outside.

I did donate a few more videos to the TBI library, my old Patch Adams VHS, and a couple of new exercise videos.

With Speech Therapy I learned, not to my surprise, but my processing speed is slow, my visual scanning needs work, and well, I had a nice chat with the Speech Therapist. We talked about what a crazy world we live in, we can pay sports stars billions of dollars but we can’t keep our parents and children in their homes. America is out of balance, it’s no surprise, we’ve become terribly greedy, unkind, selfish, and ungrateful.

My homework is to find a planner that will work for me and I think going back to what I’ve used in years past will work. The Speech Therapist said they have funds so they can help with that, I’m so glad, some of those planners are expensive. I opted for one that is probably under $20. I think in all reality, it’d be best if I could get back into using my PDA since it holds so much information, but we’ll see. Seems like every head injury changes everything and it takes quite some time to put all the pieces back together again, minus a few!

Tuesday was my appointment with the Neurologist, and I blurted out how I’m high maintenance now, that I can’t quite seem to get back to where I was from even before this accident. He said there are three things that we know help: counseling, medication, and exercise.

I’m doing therapy at rehab, and what he suggested next blew my hair back. Neuro Psych Evaluation. That made my heart race, it’s a brutal test, and not for the faint of heart because it will show areas of weakness.

I asked if this would help with the whole Disability process as I’m “circling the drain” as some call it. He said definitely because it quantifies things instead of just patient complaints.

I shared how frustrating this whole process is, because those who ‘get’ Brain Injury can see what I’m struggling with, but to everyone else, I look and sound fine. I joked about the stipulation of being ‘high functioning.’ We all work so hard just to maintain our lives, and keep from drowning, but to outsiders, we’re lazy, unmotivated or whatever.

If they only knew. But for them to know they would have to let themselves see, and I think that is difficult. I think we live in a world where we believe people relieve the suffering of others, not cause it. Honest introspection is necessary. On the other hand, I do believe people would want to help more if they knew what they could do to help. I still have to believe in the basic human goodness in order to keep some sanity!

I also mailed my documentation proving my income for the year I bought the house. I opened up my mailbox and there was a package from my lender. I thought maybe they didn’t need that documentation after all. Hilarious! It was the same initial paperwork I’d already sent to them. No wonder us head injured folks get caught in this endless Catch-22. I just now have enough awareness to know I filled out that paperwork before, and actually kept a copy of it.

And, I discovered why I hate filing so much! The Speech Therapist talked about all the paperwork one accumulates with any sort of illness, it’s daunting, sometimes you get several copies of the same thing and at a time you need to be taking care of yourself, you’re at your worst, you’re getting buried in bureaucracy.

I agree with what the Speech Therapist said, all that paperwork is a reminder of your illness of injury when you’re trying so hard just to survive.

I’m playing telephone tag with the Neuro Psych Dr’s office, taking deep breaths, planning for this next part. So much of this journey I wanted to have behind me, and like the Speech Therapist said, not have it be a daily reminder I’m injured.

But after three accidents I didn’t cause, I know I’m supposed to be here, clearly!  Growing and learning in my spiritual life is what matters most, I really shouldn’t care the form it takes. I’m not being punished, this is real life.

Today I was able to get groceries for the first time with the increased amount, and I am happy to say, I’ve stocked up and have only used half my allotment. Maybe it’s because my Dad was from the Depression era, or survived WWII, but to me, there’s a great comfort having enough food in the cupboards!

And I’ll be able to still afford some wheat-free bread I can freeze too. Sometimes it’s all about the simple things in life!

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About Resilient Heart

TBI x3, that's me! If you had a Traumatic Brain Injury (or Injuries!) and knew you might not remember dates, events, people, etc., would you live each day differently? Would you give more, forgive more, heal more? I am. The statistics for me developing Dementia or Alzheimer's is a high possibility - one, because of the TBIs, and two - because I'm genetically predisposed. Come with me as this present moment is all we know we have... Wishing you all the best - today & always. Blessings, Love & Peace, RH
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