Listening to Pema Chodron has been a slow, life-changing experience. One of the things she talks about is having a warrior’s spirit or heart. These are not aggressive warriors, but they hear the cries of the world and try to bring relief. That touches my heart every time I hear it.
I called Dad today as I’m trying to do most every Sunday at about the same time. Today I didn’t want to at the appointed time, so let it go and that was that. Later I decided to call him when I felt up to it.
He is still in rehab and will be there quite some time, no timeline given yet because healing in old age is slow. Waiting on healing is tremendously difficult for us human types, can I get an AMEN?!
The few times I’ve called him I’m never really sure where his mind is, if Alzheimer’s is taking over, or if it’s the medications. I try to make light of things, talking about the nice weather or the hummingbirds. He asked how things were with the house and I said I wasn’t worried about things. Nope, not going to mention how things are because he cannot help me and my telling him won’t help him.
I think listening to Pema has really made some big changes, like the phrase “it’s up to you.” Instead of waiting and asking for help, just mindfully plow through. I think I like that. I think I really can get stuck and start to stagnate and get to a bad place fast. Guess depression and independence do that, but as long as I keep moving, keep doing some thing, I’m better off.
I told Dad I’ve never asked for money and I’m not going to start now, he said he appreciated that and if he can help he would. I said I don’t expect it and as far as I’m concerned, he’s done enough – fought in WWII, raised four kids, etc. I said his days of financial assistance should be long over, I’m 42 years old for heavens sake!
I’m sometimes not sure if he remembers he repeats himself, or if I should mention it. It’s kind of funny the two of us going on the repetition merry-go-round. He did sound more cohesive this time and not as repetitive. I think just being present for another human being, no matter what they’re facing, is a huge gift.
My dog Rudy has been more lethargic today too, I asked her yesterday morning when she didn’t rise if she’s trying to tell me it’s time for her to go. A lot of questions come to mind and I have to do the right thing. She hasn’t been as excited for food or just about anything lately and a little more labored in her breathing.
I try to just be there, lie down beside her on her doggie bed or carpet, where ever she has settled, and try to tell her it’s okay to go, this is part of the process and love doesn’t end here. They do so much for us out of selfless love. The excitement of having a new puppy and the letting go of an old dog are all part of the same story.
She allowed me to take her in for Cancer surgery two years ago and that extended her life, and kept me from having to face that terrible loss. I tell her I don’t want her to go, ever, but us humans seem to have to stick around a little while longer. Animals seem to be completely unafraid of death and accepting of life on life’s terms. It’s just tough, facing this at this time. Perhaps I’m not a warrior yet, just a warrior in training!
Living in the moment, being fully present for self, others, my animal family, I think that’s a good thing. Not easy, but I want to keep my heart open instead of hurt and hardened by life.
I’ve filled out a form for Consumer Credit Counseling online (goofy since I only have the mortgage debt), but need help. I also tried to fill out a form for American Financial, but I didn’t fit into their categories so closed out of it, apparently just the contact information goes through.
How goofy it is there’s no help out there for homeowner’s who have done the right thing. If you default, there’s help. If you get eviction or shut-off notices, then there’s help. Drats, I’ve been trying to keep myself from this very thing. At any rate, still selling on eBay and craigslist and the wild hair got the best of me and started my own online fundraiser.
Desperate times require desperate measures, even for warriors-in-training!