Back to the Beginning: Serious Mistake at Work (posted May 31, 2009)

I made a mistake this time so serious the appraiser got reviewed. I can’t believe I make such devastating mistakes without intention in the moment nor realizing it later. I received the email days ago and it’s taken me this long to be able to talk about it.

If these folks weren’t friends they would have fired me long ago. They knew me before the accidents saw I’d changed, but still hired me. I don’t think I answered my potential boss’ question right in the interview, “If you weren’t here, what would you be doing?”

I answered, “I’d probably still be home crying.” Oops, I think he meant professionally what would I be doing!

I can’t tell you to what depth these things go in my soul. My theory of work, I’ve always worked in offices, was to help “the guys get their jobs done.” It was always important to me to work with integrity, make things better than I found them, find humor in things and try to have fun working.

To what extent of failure do I need to reach for people to get I have a disability that devastates not only my life, but the lives of those around me?

I felt horrible, and all I could do was apologize. It is a terrible place to be on a first name basis with failure. I feel like I’m slipping further and further away from the recovery and healing I so desperately was seeking. It’s more like a free fall I cannot control or make better, it is hurtful to bring pain into other people’s lives.

God forgive me for all the mistakes I’ve made. For a while there I had some clever comebacks, like, “yeah, but nobody died!” or “How important is it, really?!” but that’s long since past. I grow weary from my own blind mistakes, I cannot trust myself. And gee, I think I’ve only been tasked to do one report a week recently. Reports still take me three times longer, on average to complete. Not good in a “rush” or “super rush” industry.

My boss has his fiance working for him now although I’d been hired initially to be his assistant. I’d tried to have him fax things to me, but I am quite sure he doesn’t want to take the risk involved with my myriad of inconsistent errors, and the fact I’m high maintenance for being an assistant.

Been doing this job seven years, and I still can’t get it right. Before my injuries, heck, if I could forget about work over the weekend, that was a major accomplishment. Now, I simply can’t remember how to do things, whether it’s work, driving somewhere I’ve been before, etc. The memory mechanism has been injured.

Ive been through DVR twice to try to re-train me or start my own business. My processing is too slow and they said they couldn’t help me until I got my act together. That’s kind of the whole point of my being there, if I could get my act together, I wouldn’t be there! This was from a DVR counselor who has a severely Brain Injured child, and a job placement counselor who had a Brain Injured child. Understanding? Help? Hope? No.

I kind of feel like that guy you see on TV wearing all those question marks! Life with TBI becomes a huge series of questions I never thought I’d face this young or without a full brain to problem solve with. I expected many of the things I experience here, but not until I’m much, much older!

But for the grace of God go I? But what about when God’s grace includes three car accidents you didn’t cause, life-changing injuries, and no net to catch you?

There is still a giving, over-achiever inside of me aching to get out and accomplish some good things, have some successes, not be such a burden or disappointment, but to be trusted and relied upon. I miss those days.

About Resilient Heart

TBI x3, that's me! If you had a Traumatic Brain Injury (or Injuries!) and knew you might not remember dates, events, people, etc., would you live each day differently? Would you give more, forgive more, heal more? I am. The statistics for me developing Dementia or Alzheimer's is a high possibility - one, because of the TBIs, and two - because I'm genetically predisposed. Come with me as this present moment is all we know we have... Wishing you all the best - today & always. Blessings, Love & Peace, RH
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