Back to the Beginning: Rudy (posted Aug. 3, 2009)


The list of things to do today is being put on hold, I didn’t expect the day to unfold as it did, much of the day sobbing. No, I don’t have it all together, here folks.

This morning I made juice for myself and Rudy, and much to my surprise, Rudy drank it all! Then she had energy to play and play and play, rest, rest, rest. I took Rudy with me to pick up my meds and she was all excited about the ride! These are positive signs, I believe, but the reality is inescapable.

I can’t eat, I have tried to lie down to rest, but keep crying. Rudy has been on her bed most of the afternoon, when I check on her, she might wag her tail, but for the most part has that ‘faraway’, not blinking look. She might stretch or whatever, but not move a lot.

And for all of my best intentions trying to not cry in front of my animals, I had to give that up because it became more of a full-time, uncontrollable thing! It is so hard, this process of letting go, watching one fade. This human doesn’t do good-byes very well.

I took half a sleeping pill to try to get some rest during my normal nap time, but have not been able to sleep yet. I am watching Rudy for signs of pain or discomfort and haven’t seen any, but she’s also not getting up as much as she did before. She used to be my shadow. My calling her an “obnoxious doggage” is her usual lab behavior, that’s how I know she’s okay.

I just struggle to no end taking the trip that for her only goes one way and I return home to the empty house and empty leash. They say it’s the most humane thing to do for an animal yet we don’t put people to sleep, so is it really humane? They love us with every ounce in their beings, we must honor them all the same, be good stewards of these precious little lives.

Just a lot of concern about Rudy, and the house, and what lies ahead. My super-sized, jumbo, gigantic, mondo size cup of courage is empty today. Doing all this alone sucks sometimes much more than others.

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About Resilient Heart

TBI x3, that's me! If you had a Traumatic Brain Injury (or Injuries!) and knew you might not remember dates, events, people, etc., would you live each day differently? Would you give more, forgive more, heal more? I am. The statistics for me developing Dementia or Alzheimer's is a high possibility - one, because of the TBIs, and two - because I'm genetically predisposed. Come with me as this present moment is all we know we have... Wishing you all the best - today & always. Blessings, Love & Peace, RH
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