Back to the Beginning: Recovery, Searching for Answers, TBI Picnic (posted July 21, 2009)


I watched a little bit of a movie on FX this afternoon, Jennifer Garner, I think it was called 13 Going on 30. When I tuned in, she had just been transformed from a teenager to a 30-something woman.

I had a little trouble following the story line, but wow, her confusion about her own life was something I could relate to! I did not watch it long, but found it quite engaging.

It is weird when one’s mind plays tricks on itself, or that is what it seems to be doing because we “know” we’re just not like that, or find our own behavior confusing.

Last night my dreams were about heart attacks and Brain Injury, isn’t that lovely? One I was in the hospital where all of us had had heart attacks and I was concerned about my recovery, selfishly saying I didn’t want to recover like those I’d seen. Nice. Then I dreamt I was telling someone my head hurt when I woke up, sure enough my head hurt. What in the world?!!

Today was a slow going day, not only do I do things more slowly post-injury, but the recovery time is longer too. The drain from the emotions of yesterday, and heck, last night too had me exhausted. I woke at 2 or 3 am, got one item boxed and weighed for eBay and went back to bed.

This afternoon before my massage and chiropractor appointment I stopped by the library to ask the Reference Librarian about anyone in the area who appraises antiques or estates.

It was one of those enlightened moments, she was patient with me, sometimes I know what I want to say, but can’t get the words out fast enough. She gave me the name of the antique store in the next town over, said she just had someone else asking her that same question, a staff person recently went through that, and said they take quite a percentage.

I mentioned how odd it is how we revel in how much things are worth but you never really get that much, you have to get a dealer and so forth.

She suggested if there were just a few things to sell them on eBay myself or, she had a friend who hired an eBay seller to sell the things for her and they took 50%! Wowza. She said the good thing with that was they did all the work and the only thing her friend had to do was deposit the check. Cha-ching, that sounded nice.

I mentioned the records of Hitler’s speeches and she said that’s something a museum might be interested in, and if they take them, they will help you through the process of tax write off. That’d be nice.

She also mentioned she didn’t know how things would sell in this economy. I thanked her, and it was interesting, she thanked me back. It sort of felt like a divine appointment, it was just different.

I heard back from one of the credit counselors and he suggested I find out if my mortgage is Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac (who came up with those names?!), and if so, I’m eligible for a restructuring, I think he said. He was very kind, but man, did I get overwhelmed in no time!

I’m following another lead to see if there’s help out there in this big world, so we’ll see.

I have to acknowlege the good as well as get sideswiped by the bad. My dear counselor is helping get the word about about the fundraiser, bless her heart! I’ll get back in the saddle and try again, phew boy, the error part of the trial and error really bites!

And I have to say, my little gray kitty, whose photo is my avatar, he was unusually snuggly last night. I got the sense he was really trying to get through to me, like, “hey, I’m here, it’s going to be okay.”

He laid down on the desk here and used the mouse as his pillow, it was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen, he’s never done that before and I so wished I’d had a camera! He purred like crazy and gave me kitty kisses. There was just that look in his eyes of connection, and I’ll tell you, I may have ‘rescued’ this cat when he was a kitten, but I really think he rescued me time and again.

And, on the good notes here, I managed to finally get my office window open! It’s an older house with the push up type of windows, and it’s been stuck for quite some time. It dawned on me to use the rubber mallet around the edges, and, apply some of my frustration and anger and it worked! I now have the fan up here and the temp has dropped from 90 degrees to much more enjoyable and tolerable 75.

There is a gal on Twitter who makes jewelry out of broken tea cups, I’ve got two I’ll be sending her. I’m going to send some of Mom’s jewelry too, that I can part with. I had to close out my safe deposit box, and honestly, I know I’ll never wear most of it. It feels good to give things away that others can get good use out of.

I’m still challenging the spiritual principles of this world by remaining giving and thoughtful, I don’t want hard times to harden my heart. And honestly, the goofy thing about the terrible times lately? Outside of the fact I actually felt kind of good?

On a whim, I sat here and wrote out some affirmations for myself and some of my attributes and put them up above my computer. The timing is just odd, to do something self supporting and get body slammed by life, isn’t that just odd?!

Tomorrow is the Brain Injury support group picnic and in the morning I’ll be calling my mortgage company. My home was a repo and looking at the documents all I can see is it’s a HUD loan.

More shall be revealed, thanks for riding out this heart storm with me. As my chiropractor’s newsletter quoted, “You can’t change the waves but you can learn to surf.” (LOL…but what if you have a Head Injury and can’t learn nor is there any way you could possibly tolerate riding the waves?!)

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About Resilient Heart

TBI x3, that's me! If you had a Traumatic Brain Injury (or Injuries!) and knew you might not remember dates, events, people, etc., would you live each day differently? Would you give more, forgive more, heal more? I am. The statistics for me developing Dementia or Alzheimer's is a high possibility - one, because of the TBIs, and two - because I'm genetically predisposed. Come with me as this present moment is all we know we have... Wishing you all the best - today & always. Blessings, Love & Peace, RH
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