Back to the Beginning: Perspective on Losing My Home? (posted May 25, 2009)


I spent another better portion of the day resting (I know life with TBI is SO exciting!) It is still quite odd to me to go from being very active all my life, not a TV watcher or couch potato, to moving, well, at a snail’s pace.

The rest of the day was spent again, working in the yard, in increments, taking frequent breaks. Today was the procrastinated weed whacking. Being sensitive to stimuli makes things like powering up the weed whacker or lawn mower dreaded. Lots of ear and eye protection!

I always start in the front of the house, and since I noticed my neighbor driving by and looking at the neglected area next to the shed, that was first on the list.

It’s exhausting work to do as well as prepare for. But it needs to get done and while I was resting on the front porch, I was thinking about if I do end up losing the house. The one side of it is I did get to live my dream, I have always wanted a home of my own and I’ve had this one for seven years. Maybe that’s enough.

I think of what Pema Chodron said she starts with as a spoken intention, “Good in the beginning, good in the middle, good in the end.” I thought of that with the house, and since it’s a place I love so much, I thought of, “Love in the beginning, love in the middle, and love in the end.”

Owning this home, getting to live here, really is nothing short of a miracle. The details of it were perfect, and friends told me the house just looked like me.

There is a built-in kitty door for my cats, fenced front and back yards for my dog, and even some Bamboo growing in the front yard. I grew up with Bamboo growing in our front yard.

It’s easy for us humans to look at all we haven’t done, I visit there often too. Today I thought of all the things I’ve been able to get done here.

In the last seven years this old house has had a new roof, new back deck, new toilet, new to me refrigerator, new exterior and some interior paint.

I have planted roses in honor of my Mom’s memory (she loved roses!), so when a person passes away now, they get an appropriately named rose planted in their memory. It’s a sweet way to honor their lives, and, the roses all are fragrant, it’s a living gift to me, neighbors, and whomever enjoys or receives the beautiful blooms.

The Lithodora I planted are blooming, they have these beautiful bright blue flowers, they’re planted in between the roses. I put in a rock pathway, I planted some Irises (haven’t bloomed yet…I’m not a green thumb naturally, learning as I go!)

I’m hoping the Rhododendron’s I planted a couple years back will bloom this year, if they do, they’ll add a bright splash of red. The little Lilac tree I planted is starting to grow.

I’d paid a friend years ago to cut out the toxic ivy and trim the nasty Laurel hedge that grows everywhere.

I had motion sensor lights installed outside, so there are a lot of things that have been accomplished. Of course there’s more I’d like to do, like remove the water damaged vinyl in the bath and replace it with the beautiful marble tile I bought very inexpensively at Costco. And, install the beautiful pedestal sink I also purchased at Costco.

I have several hummingbird feeders out for the very territorial, dualing frolicking feathered friends, as well as two other feeders for the Chickadees and smaller birds.

Needless to say, I love this home deeply. I started to put down lawn fabric a year or two ago with rubber mulch and then ran out of money, so that’s not finished yet. Because I’m so limited on energy, I may not have energy to do something once, so I sure as heck try to keep myself from repeatedly having to do the same thing over like weeding. It’s awesome to not have to weed that area!

Whacking the weeds I realized today we’re an odd species, we go out into nature and admire the very weeds we’re trying to kill in our yards! That’s vacation! LOL.

Any work I do on the house now is more with the mindset of potentially having to sell, and if I can have love in my heart, it’s far easier to face each day than thinking this may be the last Memorial Day I spend here.

I think love can be a pure motive, wanting the highest and best for this home, come what may. It was loved by the folks who owned it prior, even though it was a repo when I bought it, it had been loved, not torn apart like so many.

In fact, the previous owners stopped by years ago when I was out working in the yard and they said they were glad it went to the right person. Wow, I haven’t been the right person for much of anything post-injury, that comment sure stuck!

Love in the beginning, love in the middle, love in the end.

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About Resilient Heart

TBI x3, that's me! If you had a Traumatic Brain Injury (or Injuries!) and knew you might not remember dates, events, people, etc., would you live each day differently? Would you give more, forgive more, heal more? I am. The statistics for me developing Dementia or Alzheimer's is a high possibility - one, because of the TBIs, and two - because I'm genetically predisposed. Come with me as this present moment is all we know we have... Wishing you all the best - today & always. Blessings, Love & Peace, RH
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