Back to the Beginning: One Step Closer to the Edge (posted July 14, 2009)


Today I took a deep breath and called my oldest brother to see if he wanted anything from the house before I start selling the family heirlooms.

He asked why I was needing to sell them and I said I pretty much only have a few months here at the house unless Divine intervention.

He said it’s not a good time to be selling the house, I said it hasn’t been a good time and chances are things aren’t going to change overnight. He declined taking anything saying he has no room for it and I could use the money and go ahead, just do my research as I am.

That’s two no’s from two brothers, the third brother I will not ask because I know better…

It was a short call, maybe ten or fifteen minutes, and with the anxiety pent up I played with my dog, and stood in the doorway of the back deck leaning my head on the door. I am moving closer to that Grand Canyon I’d tried so hard to stay away from.

I had to get out of the house so took myself for a hard, fast walk, until my Achilles Tendon acted up, which was only after about five minutes. The massage therapist told me to ice it when I got home today and I forgot until the walk.

She had told me to be mindful of the pain and not overdo, so at that point I turned around and headed home. Having grown up with all men, I think sometimes I handle things like guys do and have to do something physical. I am petrified, no net to catch me and like so many times before, going through most of this alone.

My brother said maybe Dad could help me, but I know he can’t. He bailed, or tried to bail my third brother out and he lost a lot of money. I told him Dad’s days of helping us financially should have long been past. He’s retired!

My emotions roll like the waves and sometimes I just want to throw up! How does a person get down and out without being down and out? Everything changes. It’s sad to get rid of so many things, but this spiral seems to have one direction and that’s down.

[Heavy sigh]

I filled out the DSHS paperwork today finally, after several tries at getting it done, the Unemployment paperwork is completed too. I have to take the DSHS stuff in tomorrow as it’s due no later than the 15th, which I only discovered today.

The emotional side of this is tremendously difficult, of course. We don’t have as much control over things as we think we do, or would like to think we do.

I have taken photos of the kitchen table to research and list on Craigslist, next I’ve got to find a reliable dealer for the odd treasures like the records of Hitler’s speeches in the Victrola. I’ve loved that Victrola since I was a little girl, but maybe my attachments are to things because our family wasn’t/isn’t close.

It’s amazing the path we take when we face a significant amount of pain that doesn’t seem to have an end. I try to find comfort in food, exercise, sugar.

Sleep is becoming sporadic as stress and concerns rise. Up at 2am, can’t sleep, may be up for a bit and then sleep again. I realized I haven’t really been eating, gosh, since maybe like March! That’s when I noticed it at least for the first time.

I think acknowledging I am depressed, petrified, anxious, uncertain, etc., helps…after all I grew up in a family with no emotions who never talked!

My chiropractor gave me the MRI of my brain and spine taken in March. I’d asked her for a photo of my brain, she said she could give me the CDs which was nice. So, clipped to my monitor is a side and top pictures of my little brain…to help me have compassion for all its gone through, and, try to remember the words of the chiropractor, “That’s your beautiful brain.”

I’ve felt my brain has betrayed me and that’s an odd thing to try to get away from, there’s no running! But we’re on the same team, and a time for compassion and self-love is probably long overdue.

The bootstraps have long been gone, I have to pull myself up by my heartstrings now. On my walk I tried to help myself see there will be an after to this story, I will be okay, I tell myself.

I will let myself rest, and do what I need to do, even though it really feels like my world is falling apart. I don’t think this is God’s will, a need for me to learn something, lack of faith or this is direct punishment.

I think these things happen because good people stand by and do nothing. We can have our iPods, computers, cell phones, fast food, a plethora of emotional and psychological problems, heck, we can send people to the moon but we can’t keep people, even our most vulnerable population, safe in their homes.

And honestly, I’m struggling to keep my faith in God and His people for allowing this to happen and not intervening. Love? They will know us by our love? Not so sure. Sounds good. But in reality? Not so much.

I try to stretch myself and know a greater portion of our world lives in constant uncertainty, but I try to also remember this is America…home of the free, land of the brave, one nation under God and all that.

I really think we want to believe we’re doing better than we do. In fact, I stopped at the library today and went looking for the Yoga Journal I’d seen at the chiropractor’s office.  I happened to glance at Parade magazine as there was a man on the cover with two children wrapped around his neck. He looked vaguely familiar. It was Bob Woodruff. It was an article his wife wrote about the miracles in Brain Injury science. Couldn’t bear to read it because I know that is the exception, not the rule. Makes for great press, but as all things with Brain Injury, individual results vary, especially when you’re not a celebrity!

I even got a letter today from the Justice Department and according to the Disability law, they cannot help me nor can they suggest any other federal agencies. Yup.

Into the storm I go, tonight I hope for rest, tomorrow is another day.

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About Resilient Heart

TBI x3, that's me! If you had a Traumatic Brain Injury (or Injuries!) and knew you might not remember dates, events, people, etc., would you live each day differently? Would you give more, forgive more, heal more? I am. The statistics for me developing Dementia or Alzheimer's is a high possibility - one, because of the TBIs, and two - because I'm genetically predisposed. Come with me as this present moment is all we know we have... Wishing you all the best - today & always. Blessings, Love & Peace, RH
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