There are times when I get weary from the ongoing struggle and completely relate to why we turn to drugs, alcohol, TV, food, sex, whatever offers us momentary comfort.
I really understand Pema Chodron’s talking about the wisdom of no escape, but I also think as humans we do have our limits, and today, well, was a good example.
I felt pretty accomplished for having submitted inquiries about financial help (although it does not seem credit counseling services can help when you have no other debt – I may be wrong, but so far, that’s what I’ve found.)
I then called the hospital to figure out where we are on my owing them $650 for last month’s migraine and trip to Prompt Care. They received my application for hardship and now I need to contact Unemployment to get the last 30 days income and recent pay stubs. Okay, will pace and plan to get that done, phone calls knock the wind right out of me.
I then called my primary care physician’s office to see if the psychologist I’d seen (and who understood invisible disabilities) could recommend a new PCP (Primary Care Physician or in my case, Primary Care Physician’s Assistant) for me since mine left last month.
Nope, can’t do it. As of yet, no one has replaced my pcp, and he doesn’t know all the providers…oh whatever. I then asked about what will happen when I need to get my prescriptions refilled, she said I need to have that go through a provider. I don’t have one now! Wow. She said for me to have the pharmacy fax the request and if at that time, depending on the medications, I need to have an appointment with a new pcp, they’ll call me and let me know.
I got off the phone and said out loud, “We so do not live in a proactive society!”
I then called the local 211 number to see if there are any resources for avoiding foreclosure. She gave me the number of the agency that helped me last year with utilities. They, St. Vincent de Paul, and Salvation Army are all out of rent/mortgage assistance money and are waiting on federal funds. She apologized. Same story, different day.
She did say that she heard local churches are trying to help, maybe they could help me for a month, or whatever, if I had Internet access to Google our county churches and start giving them a call. That’s when I started the whole massive research online project that ended with a big FAIL!
I took a break, played with the dog after my major faux pas this afternoon, watched the news, fed the animals, and felt I really wanted Mexican food. It’s not very often I actually have food cravings and this time I went for it, let myself out of the house, to escape.
I knew it’d be kind of an expensive and extravagant moment, but heck, I think the last time I went out for Mexican food was in March when I discovered by eating out that I’m probably not eating enough. I inhale food in front of me, but preparing food at home is a chore as a single overwhelmed disabled person.
I ate, went to the bank, got money for gasoline, put $30 into the gas tank, Post Office, and drove home. If I had known the next few moments would continue in the downward spiral, I would have opted for tuna fish or peanut butter at home.
A lot of folks talk about Serendipitous moments when everything comes together, well, having been on the losing side of a lot of unfortunate events post-accident in 2002, I also see how things come together in a not-so-lovely way.
Windows down, it’s a hot day. At a stoplight not far from my home a police officer in the car next to me says my name and I said, “Yes,” thinking I hadn’t done anything wrong and he couldn’t cite me for anything.
He said I have two different license plates on my car. This is true. The car got totaled out, they make you pay for new license plates, the back one I could remove and replace, the front one is rusted on! I tried using a spray oil solution that is supposed to loosen rust, but alas, the rust won and I gave up after spending a whole heck of a lot of time and frustration on it.
He said I have to get that replaced. I threw up my hands and told him I’d tried, he continued that I have to get it replaced or I’ll get a ticket. The conversation sort of ended, and then I asked him if he knows of a mechanic that will do it for free. He said no, he usually does his stuff himself, I said I usually do to, but this time I couldn’t.
Forgive me if I seem to be a wimp or complaining, I just thought I’m doing the best I can. I had just gotten word at the Post Office DSHS can’t help me because I have too many resources! So that means they will not help with medical expenses or cash, I don’t know about food benefits, and honestly at that point, I couldn’t breathe so left the Post Office immediately and headed for my ill-fated conversation with the officer.
There are reasons why when people ask me how I’m doing I say I’m fine, or I’m doing well, because the truth is just so blasted negative even I get tired of it! Now keep in mind, this has been going on since 2002, a friend I had gave me a little sign at Christmas 2003 that said “Stress no more in 2004.”
I kept that note in my notebook cover for the longest time and finally tossed it a year or two ago when I realized that didn’t happen, and my hoping for things to change was hurting me. Even she thought I was under some sort of attack at that point because too much weird stuff had just been going on and on and on.
So here I am with my new found sense of independence believing it’s really all up to me and I can’t get a frickin’ break.
Overwhelmed and shocked, I didn’t even make it home before the tears starting rolling.
Where in the hell is help? I’ve been patient, understanding, probably too much…this is insane. Any wonder why us TBIers struggle so much? And today had started out as a good day, really, the best I’d felt in a long, long time.
Still taking deep, deep breaths…the pain just absolutely shut me down, even a happy dog and a purring kitty couldn’t reach me…for a while. I know I’ll probably forget this, and it’s best for me to process it as well as I can and let it go, but wow, life can knock the holy heebeejeebees out of a person.
Why God allows so much stuff to happen is beyond me, I don’t think us people in the U.S. are blessed because we’re better, obviously we’re cut from the same cloth! But I think we’re given so much to help others and weave strands into the net so none of us fall too far. This does toss my nice, tidy thoughts of spirituality, humanity, etc. to and fro as I wander this ambling path. What about when God doesn’t come through for His kids?
Now we know the piercing cries of the people starving in Africa and the desperation of the people who experienced Katrina, 9-11, etc. It’s exhausting when you can’t change the channel to something less unsettling, or fast forward through the gory parts of your own life!
I wonder why all the struggle, really. If this is a spiritual struggle, why is a little disabled woman such a threat?!!! What in the world? I’ve NEVER heard of any other human being going through so much with any sort of positive outcome. Some times life just doesn’t make a turn for the better.
It is hot up here, I’ve got the windows open, fan blowing, my little gray kitty (nicknamed “Baby Bear”) is fast asleep on the desk, my keyboard is in my lap (yes, my animals rule the house!).
I really need to end this day to get it behind me and try again tomorrow. Phew, what a day.