Back to the Beginning: New Year’s Day 2009 (posted Jan. 1, 2009)


A strange concept post-injury, life ticked away by crossed out boxes on the calendar, reminders scheduled in Outlook, timers, watches, clocks, having to keep lists and lists and lists!

I live in the present, without the capacity to really understand the passage of time well. I can lose track of time quite easily, yes, even years can go by and I don’t really ‘get’ that they have. As my friend, Brother Frank, says, “Time stands still for you.”

Weird to be stuck in a non-time zone of sorts in this fast-paced rushed world.

I was trying to recall events of last year as people do this time of year, another difficulty since I’m present-moment focused now. I’d have to say the defining event was Dad’s open heart surgery which turned into a vigil, which turned into a miracle.

Were it not for the emails I’d written and the notes I’d taken during the whole event, the details would be more blurred than they currently are. To me, it feels like it was years ago, not just this last summer into fall. Life seems to be a river flowing too fast for me.

I have never been one to welcome a new year, more of the melancholy sort looking at the past, but with most of it removed from memory, and no social outings, it is an important passage of time that is spent like so many other days, and has a distant, vague, slight significance to me.

I try to look ahead, and what I see on the horizon is a major turning point. I know the process of trying to be approved for Disability will continue, but the end of my financial resources will be part of the deal this year.

I am facing what I have feared the most, housing and financial instability, falling without a net. I will continue to pray to find favor with the people who make the decisions which affect the quality of life I still have.

My case is difficult to prove, but honestly, if I had foreknowledge about the accident years ago and the tremendous losses it would cause, I would have called in sick that day, pulled the covers over my head and never left the house! No one asks for this.

I’m asking for the basic dignity to live a healthy, stable life, with the help I now need due to the injury I sustained.

Despite the struggle, I pray I do not compromise who I am, who God made me to be, for in doing so, I die a little every time I try to be someone I am not to be accepted and heard.

About Resilient Heart

TBI x3, that's me! If you had a Traumatic Brain Injury (or Injuries!) and knew you might not remember dates, events, people, etc., would you live each day differently? Would you give more, forgive more, heal more? I am. The statistics for me developing Dementia or Alzheimer's is a high possibility - one, because of the TBIs, and two - because I'm genetically predisposed. Come with me as this present moment is all we know we have... Wishing you all the best - today & always. Blessings, Love & Peace, RH
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