In the land of TBI, things sometimes happen and we are unable to make the connection. Somewhere between experiencing an incident or series of incidents, having an inconsistent or lack of memory, and not having a sense of time, it can take a while to put the pieces together.
I had a dream Wednesday night I was telling the chiropractor about a series of little incidents I didn’t figure were related.
Even though I saw this chiropractor for my last auto accidents, I had some anxiety about my Brain Injury being accepted and here I was dealing with it in dreamland! Odd, she accepted it before, as she had a person working in her office who had suffered a Head Injury, but that was then.
Everything told her in the dream had actually happened in real life since the accident on 02/25, it took me this long, and a dream, to make the connection.
I brushed it off that I fell after running up the stairs, turned the corner, got distracted by my dog at the bottom of the stairs and tripped over my own feet! I caught myself with my right hand on the railing and left hand on the guest bed. One foot literally on top of the other, my weight fell on my already injured shoulders and unsuspecting right knee! It still didn’t dawn on me after my knee hurt for what is probably now…weeks?!
I didn’t make the connection that I was not able to trust my balance, my legs felt heavier and when I go up or down the stairs, I wall surf and hold the rail, certainly not running like before this accident.
I didn’t make the connection that I’d gone to Costco, I was able to buy jam and I was thankful, I remember saying “Thank you, Lord!” at home putting things away…when I dropped it! Gasp! Fortunately it landed in a cardboard box, the jar did not break.
I didn’t make the connection when making tea the other day I completely forgot I turned the stove on high and then came back to my office, with the heater in the office blasting on high, I heard an odd sound. Instead of thinking to turn off the heater, I went downstairs to find the tea kettle boiling completely forgetting of the other fire hazard I’d just left in my office.
I didn’t make the connection when decluttering my headboard and plugging the alarm clock back in that I managed to pull the metal lamp off somehow and it fell flat on the top of my head. That hurt for a long time, even though I applied ice immediately.
I didn’t make the connection when trying to write I was struggling with spelling and the placement of letters (thank God for spell check!)
I didn’t make the connection when even talking to my dog I was meshing words.
I didn’t make the connection until today when I realized I’ve been cold every day, and, strange enough, I’ve probably cried every day since the accident. Gee, and I thought being able to cry again was a good thing!
I didn’t make the connection because even I forget that Brain Injuries make up new rules with each new injury, and they often leave us hosts bewildered and confused, and usually the last to know!
As an act of courage, I asked my chiropractor today if she would refer me to my Neurologist. Our conversation yesterday about healing and getting better didn’t leave me with a lot of confidence she respects the rules of the road when it comes to TBI.
She said she thought it would be good to have documentation and have my concerns addressed. I shared a little bit more about what my life looks like (no social life, work at home, the future if I get to go on Disability, etc.) and said while I do get the positive thinking and energy, I’m unable to change this Brain Injury, I’ve tried!
Part of me, honestly, is petrified to enter back into this world again because as a result of the deposition my ex-boss/ex-chiropractor gave at the time of settling the two auto accidents, my Brain Injury was thrown out entirely. It is painful to have to go back to that memory again. That devastated my life. I wish the truth could be shown, really I do.
No where in that deposition was he questioned as to why his wife had to come in and help me do my job after my car accident. Their theory was I changed after I broke off an engagement and that I chose wilful insubordination! Ouch. That is SO not me! Why in the heck would I choose that when I’d just bought my first house and my life revolved around my job?
Enough reminiscing of that painful story line. This is the path I’m given for a reason I do not see. May a greater good come out of this than I can possibly fathom!
I have to take it step by step and see what unfolds. This certainly throws a bit of a distraction into the mix of my working to save my house.
More shall be revealed…
Next week begins the first full week of chiropractic appointments, a massage, and seeing the Neurologist, not to mention Brain Injury support group. Oh shoot, looking at the calendar, I have a mammogram next week too. I’ve got to put all my appointments on the calendar to make sure I’m not trying to unknowingly clone myself by being several place at once! 🙂
Taking deep breaths in, deep breaths out!