Yesterday I took my dog to the beach as it was a gorgeous day here in the Pacific Northwest, the breathtaking blue skies, water, mountains, trees, when it’s nice here, it’s really nice!
The beach was rocky and that took a lot of brain power to stay on the right side of those rocks! Today I paid for it by struggling to get out of bed, exhausted, barely in time for my hair cut, but forgot everything I wanted to take with me on my errands.
And here’s a Brain Injury faux pas for the books, while the hair stylist was washing my hair, I took my head out of the wash basin because I thought she was done, I forgot she had to put the conditioner on my hair! Duh! Wait, brain, don’t leave me now, here in public, in front of all these people!!!
My errands took longer than expected and although I felt okay for the most part, I was pushing myself and overdid it. But it was a nice day! I wanted to be out of the house again. Yes, there’s a price for everything in TBI-land, everything is very costly.
I reminded myself of my dog on her leash, for some reason she seems to think the length has changed and always seems to find the end, painfully, sometimes to the point of choking. She’s a puller and hard headed. I guess I am too. Dang limits anyway!
I got myself home this afternoon and had to rest, no question about it. I didn’t think it would take me long to recharge my batteries, but it did. Several hours and I was still just as tired, unable to move, and I had two reports left for me to do while I was gone. As is typical fashion, they have to get done as soon as possible.
I couldn’t think, so borrowed some energy from caffeine. It helped, but now it’s past 11pm.
Here is the frustration I hit tonight. Beyond tired, having to work to keep my head above water, I didn’t think one report would take me long. My mistake. The house sketch had some odd angles. Okay…um…how do I figure these out again? I swore. I don’t usually swear.
This is something I’d figured out before and the memory of it was completely gone. Oh man, I hate this! I had to go online and look up how to figure out angles. I’ve been doing this job for oh, seven years? I think my analogy of constantly walking in shifting sand is accurate. My brain is anything but consistent, and this is anything but easy.
If a person lack’s short-term memory, gets confused easily, has trouble problem solving, unaware of his/her mistakes, you can probably see the Catch-22 we get stuck in. And it’s an ongoing frustration. Now you can see why rehab for us takes years and is terribly expensive. In my case, my auto insurance coverage ran out and I was released from care. I wasn’t any where near ready.
I have learned the hard way I can either have a home and a job or a life and a happy heart. These are the tough things no one sees in this path. We must balance everything and everything comes at a cost. Getting on Disability is no longer an option, it is something I absolutely have to do for my survival, yet that is a struggle as well. Between a rock and a hard place is a tough and exhausting place to stay for years.
I miss having a good life, I miss living without this constraining, painful leash of TBI. I miss my freedom. God, it’s a struggle every day that no one sees.
I just want to be free!