The events of the day changed as I’d received my records from the Neurologist in my Post Office Box. I usually only check the box once a week and since I didn’t on my usual day, went today.
I don’t think there are words that can describe what it is to step back into some intense pain. A lot of this process, new injury and looking back at the old injury are, well, brutal. I’d received the records from my Chiropractor and didn’t have the courage to look at them, I thought I’d be fine to challenge myself with these. I’m just not that strong! My plans for the afternoon kind of derailed as I reeled from my brief Brain Injury history lesson. Those dang deficits are very difficult to go back and revisit.
I think I finally realized although my goal was go get better, return to my old able self, I think I have to let go of that fight. This last accident seems to be quite the kicker. Acceptance of this very moment takes priority.
I do have friends who still believe God can heal me. I had thought that for a long time and put all my energy into getting better and just kept hitting that wall, that plateau, as they say. I guess I’d rather them walk with me where I am now than placing false hopes on how things could or should be. When I asked God to take this away before, He clearly told me twice, His grace is sufficient. With that I knew I didn’t need to ask the third time!
As I sat in the company of sweet horses, I thought if people knew the suffering and devastation we face on this path, heck, they probably wouldn’t be able to sleep at night.
I think the reason I’ve loved being around animals all my life is because you can be exactly who you are and still be loved! They’re not about judging, comparing me to the old person I was, or criticizing. Their spirits are awesome! I’ve always been fascinated by the fact we can bond with animals no matter what language we speak, we can still come to form a relationship and have understanding. Love that!
I especially love being around the babies, they’re SO sweet! Checking everything out, curious, open. One is a year old, the other maybe 10 months old. Beautiful. I do best in wide open spaces, ‘don’t fence me in’ LOL! 🙂
I did stop by a wonderful coffee shop which offered a free beverage since I’m following them on Twitter, it was a lovely experience and great drink too! How very generous of them in these tough times. Lots of neat things on the menu.
I then traveled to a nearby shop that sells wonderful healing things, always has beautiful, soothing music playing, fragrant candles, just a good place for the spirit. I was hoping to find some little cards to put in the mailers I’ll be sending out, but they were out. The nice lady at the counter said they could order some. Since I had my letter with me, I asked if I could leave my story with her, I told her I was in need of a miracle. She said she’d pass it along to her mom.
I have worked flipping hard to get better, I have the documentation, witnesses, whatever to prove it. But I’m coming to accept (I think for this moment, at least!), this is the new me and I have to give myself that unconditional friendliness. And, I have to believe if this is as good as I get, there will be an opening, a place for me. There must be a place where a person with a good heart, good values, etc., can live out their life without having to lie, cheat, or steal.
I have to believe there is still goodness in people, that there is grace and mercy, a better life ahead for me. I guess even though I do feel tremendously hopeless and helpless at times, it is the little rays of hope I run to, and it is the support of others that keeps me fighting. I have been hit by tough times in life, but never anything of the magnitude of this!
Once a fighter, always a fighter, perhaps. But honestly, I’d rather not be fighting for my own life, I’d really prefer to put that little go-getter that still lives inside of me to work helping others! I think those that are outside of TBI think things inside TBI are easier, that systems are better set up than they are. In reality, they’re still in the prenatal stages if they exist at all.
God bless those who can see beyond my disability into the spirit of this hurting human soul. Thank you for breathing new life into our weary, wounded souls, you are truly the healers of this world…with a gift not from this world!
The next step, I hope to get my story mailed out to area churches and service organizations to see if they would help get a fundraiser together to sell what I still have left. Even if we can raise a small amount so I could stay here for a pre-determined amount of time and prepare the house to sell, that would be good.
I’m not asking for the world, I don’t think. I’d really love to keep my house, but how does a person do that when their earning power has ended and they still have life left to live? I am willing to be completely transparent in the company of people I can trust and thereby demonstrating need.
When I was out in the pasture, I did start crying a little bit, I’d been out there praying as I’ve been doing on my walks, desperate, absolutely desperate for God to crack open the sky and grant help. It’s an odd thing to have grown to believe “all things are possible with God,” but wonder how when we cannot keep people, especially vulnerable folks, in their homes.
I have far more questions than answers; all I can say is TBI changes everything, faith, relationships, all of life.
I close with quotes from Michael Paul Mason’s book “Head Cases”, a book I relate with SO much!
“A Brain Injury is never an isolated incident; it affects nearly everything associated with the survivor. It can collapse a family and flatten a business, evaporate friendships and allegiances, overburden a community, and buckle a state’s healthcare system.”
“Of all the medically challenged injuries, Traumatic Brain injuries require the most involvement and cost over time…a hospital Finance Director in Boston once told me that he has never met a family that was financially prepared for the cost of a Brain Injury.”
“Cheyenne reconciled himself to the idea that he would settle for just surviving in Hollywood, but deep down, he wasn’t sure he was capable of even that.”