[Written Saturday when I couldn’t yet get back to the computer.]
I feel I can say this because I spent the last several days in bed, days I needed to be working to maintain my house and life. Like Brain Injury, one doesn’t schedule getting sick, it just happens!
My job is piecework, no work, no pay. Talk about incentive! It wasn’t a conscious decision to stay in bed, this virus had me body slammed from the get go! (Ding, ding, ding, “and the winner, in this corner is…the Virus!” And the crowd roars!)
I thought I’d been overtired from the conference and just needed rest. Wow! I could not get out of bed.
It’s a beautiful day outside, warm, lovely. I am in bed, tired of being tired. Not feeling well enough to climb stairs to the computer (my life outside these walls), and if I did, what then? My eyes hurt too!
The neighbor and a friend have been sawing away the annoying elm trees which drop “green snow” as my neighbor calls it, this time of year, blocks the sun from my house the rest of the spring and summer, and then in the fall drops a lot of leaves. When I get up, I will get to see sun on the north part of the house.
Amazing how when you’re sick every part of your body can ache and hurt. Makes me wonder what the bug is doing to my defenses to make it feel like every place I’ve ever injured is getting revenge! Uncle! Uncle! I give, I give!
I finally got something solid to eat, almost a meal, I think to myself as I’ve been preferring liquids. I look around at my living room and it is decluttered, something we do to help our brain banks. Yes – for us, less is more!
I wonder what will happen to the family heirlooms if I lose my house. I look around and do not find comfort here. I’m a person who needs deep roots, to know from year to year where I’ll be living.
I see life shrapnel of the person I used to be, the person I still think I am, and the person I want to be. Seems the more I need stability that I cannot possibly provide for myself, the less it is available even after asking for help. Tough when my own health depends on it, seeing as this is the second time being ill since the accident in February.
So, with getting sick, I trust the process, doing what I know to do, hoping it’s not the flu, requiring a doctor’s visit and meds that would come out of my own pocket (savings).
I wish the process of Brain Injury was so sure. Trust the process, do what you know to do and you’ll get better.
Sometimes it just feels like I got shorted out of the luck department when it comes to getting better. It’s certainly not for lack of trying! There is a reason for this, it has all passed through God’s hands.
I’ve never met a Brain Injured person who didn’t want to get better. There are many times I cry because it’s just like watching my lifeblood being siphoned out of my drop by drop, every dream I’ve ever longed for in each drop. I would never choose this life.
In order to get to the other side of the pain, I have to cry, write, grieve, pray, pick myself up, dust off and find reason to try yet again.
I am used to being the writer, not the story! I am eager for a happy ending (or beginning) and tired of ongoing struggle. I wonder who benefits in my suffering. Really.
I don’t think any of us on this path enjoy complaining or telling the bitter truths we experience, this is real life and it has the power to pierce a heart with laser like accuracy…not just once, but repeatedly.
I think we’re like the northern side of my house, longing for someone stronger than ourselves, folks who are trustworthy, more able than us to cut away the ugly elm trees darkening and choking our lives, and let in some sunshine (Sonshine?)…
…to show us change is possible, hope is not in vain, resiliency can prevail
…to get back to the radiant warmth of living and thriving as the whole spiritual beings we still are.