Seeing the word “fail,” “failure,” or the popular, “epic fail,” on websites makes me cringe. I know it’s part of the current culture, a slang word, I still feel quite uncomfortable seeing it because it is a big part of life with TBI.
I spent the day, phone off, sleeping. In that time I received a couple of voice-mail messages. One was my Disability attorney regrettably telling me she received my rejection letter from my appeal.
She said the next step is a hearing in front of the judge and those aren’t available for a year to year and a half before that happens. She said to not be completely discouraged at this point, we have that time to still build the case.
What case? To those outside of me who make decisions that affect my life, I have no case. And to lose, I’ll be in debt to my attorney. The life avalanche never stops, does it? Where is the help and hope for us?
Shocked, stunned, the wind knocked out of me…again. Now what? I feel I am not only physically losing my grip and dropping things, I’m losing my grip on my life, everything slips down another notch and for the life of me I can’t make it stop.
It takes a lot of work to overcome the sense of failure I feel on this journey. A lot of work. Not only do I feel like a failure for many things I cannot control, there are constant external reminders too. I just got an email from a co-worker saying I didn’t pay enough attention to the last report and he could have gotten in big trouble for something I missed. Ouch.
Oh the utter anguish of this constant encounter with failure, and trying to not be such a grand disappointment. My best is never good enough because it’s punctuated with errors I do not know I’m making. I would never consciously choose to fail or make mistakes.