Back to the Beginning: Desperately Seeking Solutions (posted May 13, 2009)


The “Rock the Quo” letter campaign continues as I question what happens to disabled folks when they’ve lost ability to fully self-support and are looking at losing their homes.

I’ve received some replies, most offering understanding, empathy, similar experience, but no road through yet. This is new territory for me, and I guess, for all of us.

I’ve lost so much on this path already, have adjusted, adapted, grieved, cried, and let go over and over again. I need more of a life than this, I’ve always said it’s my spirit that has suffered the most (way, way, way above and beyond the physical pain).

I spoke with the Social Worker at rehab today as I’ve been feeling like I can’t take it anymore, I need a direction, a solution, something. Work was difficult before this last accident, now I can’t keep up.

I made a huge error again yesterday, completely unaware. I hate this. I don’t mind inconveniencing myself, but a co-worker is a whole other story and it pierces my heart. I wish I could lasso my brain and bring it back, make it do what it’s supposed to do.

She said basically Disability won’t consider me because I am working. Odd Catch-22, isn’t it? One doesn’t just jump from working to Disability usually, it’s a process that takes time. If I don’t work, I lose the house. I suck at my job, but work for friends who have the patience of Job, and my continuing to push myself takes its toll on my health.

This is the system I’ve paid into for over twenty years, I’m eligible for ‘should I become disabled’ but in order to be considered ‘disabled’ I can’t work at all. I don’t fit into their guidelines although I’ve gone through the Department of Vocational Rehab twice and have two Neuro Psych Evals, etc.

The process is exhausting, I can’t take the stress. I’ve fought for so long trying so hard to keep the house but the strain on my body and brain is terrible. There really needs to be a net to catch us in this situation, there has to be something other than homelessness or suicide.

Going to the conference is a reminder of the life I’m missing. I’ve fought the last seven years to keep my home and my job. I suck at my job and I’m now needing help to keep and maintain the house, and it’s all too much.

Getting to be social at the conference, to be around people was a double-edged sword. I’ve learned I can either have a house and a job and barely survive emotionally, financially, psychologically, etc., or I can have a life. Ouch.

For years, I’ve chosen to put blinders on fully knowing what I’m missing, but focusing on the house, work, getting better, I could handle it for a season. Seven years of continual struggle, I need to get off the gerbil exerciser and out of the cage! I miss having a life. I miss having friends. I miss being able to go to church and so many things…

I thought if I worked harder I’d get better, and with the recent accident, getting sick twice, having heart palpitations, I know I can’t continue long-term. Something has got to give and I can’t have one more serious health issue. Health and fitness are so important to me.

Where does a person go when they can’t self-support and don’t have close friends, relatives, etc.?

Would you please keep my in your prayers? It’s been a long, tough road thus far, and there are no signs of relief in sight.

I have to do something to get out from underneath all this struggle, and, to get myself to stop crying so much! They say God has a crystal lake in Heaven where He catches all our tears, well, I’d imagine everyone’s wearing rubber boots from the flooding.

My internal Check Engine light is on, better go rest the weary brain. Thanks for listening.

Blessings & hugs,
RH

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About Resilient Heart

TBI x3, that's me! If you had a Traumatic Brain Injury (or Injuries!) and knew you might not remember dates, events, people, etc., would you live each day differently? Would you give more, forgive more, heal more? I am. The statistics for me developing Dementia or Alzheimer's is a high possibility - one, because of the TBIs, and two - because I'm genetically predisposed. Come with me as this present moment is all we know we have... Wishing you all the best - today & always. Blessings, Love & Peace, RH
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