Back to the Beginning: Beyond the Discomfort / Still Asking For Help (posted June 28, 2009)

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the quest for help and receiving none. I stopped at a church rummage sale Friday after my counseling appointment. It was a huge sale, but not too overwhelming because it was well organized and I went through things pretty fast.

When I went to pay the cashier, another customer noted how well organized everything was and how much work goes into this type of fundraiser. One of the two older ladies behind the cashier desk said they’re very surprised by this church, how they all come together to help out, she’s never seen anything like it. The other cashier said for being such a large church she didn’t feel like it was because everyone pitches in.

Out of my comfort zone, I asked if they would be able to help people who are about to lose their home. (Where did that come from?! I have a heck of a time asking for help in writing and now I’m putting myself out there yet again.)

One of the ladies said it’d be best for me to call the church and speak with the pastor and see if I could get counsel. The other asked if I didn’t mind, if she could pray for me before I left.

She mentioned how we all like to find meaning in everything that happens in life and I said I’m past that. She said we still want to know, though. She said sometimes God takes us out of our comfort zone to prepare us for ministry.

Okay, no offense to anyone as I am a Christian but I am finding I have more questions than answers. I was IN ministry. I may BE in ministry again someday but right now I am struggling and suffering and I’m looking for active, not passive, help.

Perhaps that’s a grand frustration of mine and mine alone, but honestly, knowing what us TBIers go through, or heck, even if I just had a friend who was trying her darnedest (disability or not) to keep her home, I don’t think I could just pray for her and wish her well. I would have to do something. Maybe that’s the old Type-A person in me, I don’t know.

I just thought it was interesting she mentioned comfort zone. With Brain Injury I don’t know that we have one, everything changes daily, we learn and forget, have mood swings and a plethora of invisible struggles.  Why do people feel the need to have OTHER people step out of their comfort zones when they’re so comfortable in their particular emotional or spiritual rut they’ve moved in furniture and sent a change of address notice!  LOL!  🙂

I continue to ask and I continue to blog because I am still in great need of help and don’t know that I am asking for too much. If I could do this on my own, trust me, I know from experience it’s better to not have to ask for help!

But watching Extreme Makeover Home Addition and seeing a family who has fostered over 250 children and they absolutely LOVE the tough disabled cases, I cried. I am never really sure if I cry more because I miss volunteering so much or because I am in such incredibly deep need I cannot manage alone. I think it just hardest to see some people get help and others continue to struggle, face judgment, discrimination, and really, what I have seen a lot is people can’t get past themselves and see my need.

I think we all have much more in common than that which makes us different. Is there another human soul who hasn’t experienced suffering, loneliness, uncertainty and fear? I’m no different. Our situations may be worlds apart, but I can relate to you, why can’t you relate to me? It really is much easier befriending people who are different than building walls and barriers.

And I can’t help but think there’s really no hope or help out there for people like me who fall into these situations. There’s a lot of judgment, so much I could write volumes on it, but it does NOTHING to further us as individuals. We all say, sing, read about love, but can we? Can we really?

The judgement I hear, the people who want to fix me, make me like I was before (trust me, I’ve done the same to myself!) don’t help, but distance me from the life I so desperately need.

The lady who did not have age spots on her heart prayed for me and I thought that was sweet for her to do for a complete stranger. One of the things she prayed is God would make the crooked path straight, one of my favorite verses.

I would have to imagine the frustration of sharing my need and not having people help is nothing I alone feel. I am quite sure we often say or do things for/to others that miss the mark completely.

I want to do better than that. I want to keep opening my heart up wider and wider though it is dreadfully uncomfortable I do not wish to perpetuate the pain I’m receiving. If people knew, really knew, how much we are suffering, I doubt they could stand to let us remain in so much pain.

So I continue to blog and hope, and get my uncomfortable message out there and vent broken places in my heart in hopes of healing. I am a natural born fighter and though I am soul- and bone-tired, I don’t know how to give up.

Forgive me for offending anyone, that’s certainly not my point, I guess when you’re in pain just about everything adds to the burden you already bear and the loneliness you already feel.

I just have a hard time interacting with people who see my shattered heart and life, pray for me or not, repeat quotes to me or not, and let me go on my way. How in the heck is this okay, and why isn’t there a net to catch people when the rug gets pulled out from underneath them.

Yes, I would LOVE to be in ministry again, but that is someday. I am living in this very moment, this very moment is piercingly painful as this entire seven-year journey has been.

We really do have to get over ourselves, our discomfort, our judgment, the walls we put up to protect ourselves if we really are to change the world as we say we want to.

My heart is heavy from the tears, discouragement, frustration, and constant struggle just to survive. So much of life has been swept away, and I was okay letting that go, but losing my home, heirlooms of my late mother, the threat of losing my animal family is truly disheartening.

I guess I am now of the population of down and out, not because of anything I’ve done! There are reasons why we lose our heart and our spirits are crushed. I’m not unlike you wanting the safety and security of home, deep roots, to make a difference and grow as much as I possibly can.

It is the continual series of invisible (for the most part) losses, discouragement, judgment, criticism, people wanting to fix me, etc., that makes me want to die sometimes. It is the hope for new growth, a better tomorrow, staying alive for my animal family, that keeps me living.

We can either add or detract to each other’s life experience. We can bring good energy or cause harm, my bet is on healing, even still. But please don’t tell me to think positive thoughts, recite Scripture, recite quotes, etc., because none of that has saved me from this path. What I am doing and what I have done is enough.

If we are to heal, we have to get beyond our preconceived notions, our fairy-tale thinking, our Hollyweird induced patterns of thought and be more open. God loves us just as we are, why can’t we love each other’s spirit just as we are, accepting differences as a way to grow rather than isolate?

I am sorry if any of my messages make people uncomfortable, this is real life, it is my perspective, my life, my voice, and hopefully cathartic writing will aid my healing and grant me strength.

Judging, condemning, criticising, whatever, may be comfortable, but I’ll tell ya, it’s not working! We have to get beyond the discomfort. We have so much to learn from each other.


About Resilient Heart

TBI x3, that's me! If you had a Traumatic Brain Injury (or Injuries!) and knew you might not remember dates, events, people, etc., would you live each day differently? Would you give more, forgive more, heal more? I am. The statistics for me developing Dementia or Alzheimer's is a high possibility - one, because of the TBIs, and two - because I'm genetically predisposed. Come with me as this present moment is all we know we have... Wishing you all the best - today & always. Blessings, Love & Peace, RH
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