Being in another car accident wasn’t on my radar…at all!
The other night I pulled out the book “Brainlash” I purchased somewhere along the lines of working desperately to get better after Brain Injury One and Two. Lots of highlighting, writing, notes I certainly don’t remember reading or writing! The author gently points us in the direction of acceptance.
It’s no mystery I’m struggling with this acceptance thing and I need to understand why.
I think it’s because the only direction I had in mind (awful pun intended!) was getting better. After being rear-ended the second time, that pretty much put an end to what had been my biggest fear since being rear-ended on the freeway.
Of the Brain Injury books I’d purchased, I’d only kept this one. Odd. What did I do with the others? Oh, I donated them to the Brain Injury support group library because I thought I was done with them and would like them to be used by others. Funny. Very funny!
I think my focus of moving forward is probably healthy, and probably the very reason I’m stuck accepting this…this….whatever you call it. Setback? Additional injury? Starting over? I don’t know what to call it. I guess I’m just not one to welcome another injury with open arms when I worked so hard to get and stay better. It’s a daily challenge, everything changes.
For now, everything is slower, much slower. I rest before and after everything now, more so than prior to this accident. I rest when I arrive at an appointment, and after when back out in my car. This is one of the areas that feels like starting over. Everything in small steps, not doing anything extra.
I take work in five minute increments and rest when I have to regardless of the work that I do always being a rush. My brain simply won’t let me push through, it makes me rest by shutting down.
I think what the Occupational Therapist at group says is very true, “Living with Brain Injury is a process.” I’ve fought to get better, applied everything taught, and find myself still in this cage. I am frustrated, petrified, and bewildered, again.
I imagine grief is a part of the acceptance too…which is tough, when so much of TBI is like a slow, painful death. I just have to have hope or I can’t face the next minute, hour, day.
Acceptance, acceptance, acceptance…big sigh…and lots of tears.
Perhaps I can let the acceptance be a process, starting where I can, being okay with this one present moment.
Maybe I could begin with small steps and practice giving myself the same compassion I would a dear friend who’d gone through the same. I’d be there for him or her, why not be there for myself…there’s no running away from my own brain! LOL!
And maybe the biggest thing is acceptance doesn’t mean I have to like it at this point!