I must be coming into some truth because I’m feeling that awkward stage of growth, perhaps it is the self-deception or hopes are waning.
Friday I met with my counselor and the folks who I had hoped being able to work for and maybe live on their property cannot afford to hire me. They have had to lay off people, so this, for now at least, is a closed door. If I could get on disability, it may be an option.
I think the well wishes and good intentions of people are probably coming from a good place, I just don’t think we hit the mark when other people are struggling and add distance and alienation instead of help. It is hard to see someone else struggle, but we need to acknowledge the heart and spirit of the person, they’re to be loved, not fixed. Maybe that’s why so many ‘friends’ leave at the diagnosis of Cancer, or whatever the difficult news may be.
I’ve had people try to comfort me by saying I hadn’t lost everything, and I would just add the word, yet. There are a lot of things we say to folks in hard times that really aren’t helpful at all.
I’m learning some of our deeply held religious beliefs can become barriers too. We seem to get caught up in fairy tales and fantasies, maybe God will do this or that. Maybe you can do this or that. If there is a maybe out there, I will get to it, but right now I’m in the definite present!
I think some of what I’m learning is freeing my spirit. I don’t think all religion is wrong, I don’t think all Christians are wrong, but honestly, I haven’t met very many flaky Buddhists, Jews, etc., and honestly that has me curious.
I think I’m learning the security I’ve been taught to crave all my life doesn’t exist and I need to find a balance between craving and aversion. I grew up in a very conditional home and still feel those conditions on my person to this day, but they haven’t worked before and sure aren’t working now with my limitations.
What I want now more than ever is to be well – emotionally, physically, spiritually, psychologically, etc. I want to help myself learn how to do some of the healthy things that add life instead of take away, or drain. And, to get beyond the struggle of just surviving day to day, I want to thrive within these limits.
This whole path of TBI, or I’d imagine any serious illness or health concern, brings to the surface a lot of universal truths. And I jokingly say were it not my life, this would be a great study in human nature!
I can’t really say what kind of comfort or verbal support I’d like to receive. I do get tired of people telling me things will get better because they can’t really get much worse. I think what I need above anything from folks around me is authenticity. I’m not asking folks to say anything they don’t feel, I am asking for help and could not find it. I want this to soften my heart, open it wider.
No cliches, no “well at least,” because I really think life has an energy all its own and we don’t control it. I think that freaks us out to no end, and makes all the marketers nervous because when we let go they can’t sell us anything to hang onto!
So over the weekend, I thought a lot about what my counselor said, cried, struggled, ached, and wept. I started to draft a letter to send to the friends I have left asking for help prepare the house to sell. My counselor reviewed it, I’ll have Brother Frank, and the Brain Injury support group I am a part of read it as well. I hope to launch it by the end of this week and get this ball rolling.
There are a lot of unknowns in life. This is where the rubber meets the road. This is where I have been standing on the edge of the vast Grand Canyon of life waiting for a light breeze to tip my entire life to the floor. This is where I jump and see if the quote is correct that a net will appear.
This is not of my choosing, but I accept it…okay, I’m in PROCESS of accepting it, to be completely honest.
The future is uncertain for every being on this planet, thinking otherwise doesn’t make it so. Denying I have a flipping Brain Injury doesn’t make it go away any more than my negating the laws of Gravity which I seem to enjoy testing and proving over and over! LOL!
The longer I live the less I understand of life, why people betray the strongest of confidences, why children suffer and die, why our best isn’t enough to change things, and on and on the list goes.
I do know there is a Divine thread that runs through everything and I’ve looked at this possibility for a long time. I guess I’d been living in the Hollyweird mentality that maybe a miracle could come true for me. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Good advice.
People have often commented on my rather dim view of keeping my home despite my efforts. It’s because every other person I have known with TBI, unless they’re married and stay married, lose their home. I wanted to be the one to change that. Pride? Ego? Fear?
It was difficult talking with my neighbor this weekend and he was telling me next summer what changes they’ll be making on their house/property. It was hard to swallow I may not be here. Having roots is one of my big priorities in life, been nomadic, been there, done that, no longer have the brain or stamina.
I choose to accept this recession, this tough housing market, this goofy disability, all of it. This housing situation has been one of my biggest fears. On the one hand, it is terribly disheartening and difficult, but I also know at this point it’s unavoidable. We allow people to lose their homes in this society that worships entertainment. Strange, isn’t it?
It will probably be another year before I see the disability judge, there are no guarantees with this process either. I may be living on Welfare as much as I hate that and have fought so hard to keep from drowning financially. The system is what the system is. And yes, I have to accept that too, although I’ve fought that for quite some time believing folks would help, but this is real life, and I love the truth…even when it is ugly or unpleasant.
I have yet to figure out the perfect combination to unlock help in our world, I just know I’m not alone, it’s nothing personal, a lot of people are in dire need, and well, it’s human nature.