One of the things bothering me lately as I Stumble Upon many blogs is I sense everyone is fighting for the spotlight, writing to be the latest guru, the most popular blog on the block.
That stirring, that feeling is worth following. What is my motive, my purpose? To get a lot of hits? To get a lot of followers? Money from ads? No. This blog is my last resort, I’ve done everything I know to do, talked to everyone, prayed and cried my heart out, etc., and still come up with no long-term solution…other than face the dismal possibility of losing everything.
Does becoming disabled mean I deserve to lose my home and pets. Who decides that? Who on earth has the power to decide the worth of another human being and what he or she deserves?
I think it’s like the stirring I felt tonight watching TV. I wasn’t particularly satisfied, I let that stirring be instead of dismissing it. When I follow a stirring or feeling, it leads me to the truth.
I don’t usually watch much TV, but tonight, just felt like zoning out. With an active conscience, zoning out is the last thing to occur! Instead I wrestled with values I do not uphold, relationships and selfishness I simply cannot relate to. I want it to be an escape but feel it is a reminder. I see commercials for vacations I may never get to take, sitcom situations my disability disallows me to tolerate, and my spirit is disquieted within me as though I’ve been subtly assaulted. Perhaps I am fortunate to live alone with my animals, I can hear my voice and when God speaks, I know enough at times, to pay attention when something isn’t quite right…and stay with it long enough to learn from it.
I don’t want to be someone else’s guru. I don’t need to win any popularity contests. If I can, I would like to be an encouragement, but in the midst of just surviving, life is very raw. How much can I offer this world when my own world is so unsettled?
Would my animals be better off with someone else? I’ve had them all since they were babies, we know each other, we speak each other’s language. They’re not just pets, they help me feel more human and a lot less alone in this quiet world I must now live in. They have loved me through my unlovable times which is more than I can say for most people after my disability. Loving them and taking care of them give my life meaning and purpose. They don’t give me advice or tell me I am wrong, we just listen to each other and adjust. They are my angels and I believe I would be lost without them.
No, I’m not here to be anyone else’s guru (God wouldn’t let me anyway, that’s His job!), I’m sure not here to win a popularity contest, I am just here to help myself through this, feel less alone, and maybe somehow, by God’s good grace, turn this Titanic around…