I met with the Social Worker today and it was tough. She asked how I was doing and I said I was struggling to find resources to keep my house. She apologized for there just not being resources out there, said I’ve done more research than most people she knows facing this situation, and that I’ve done well advocating for my needs.
We talked a lot about the right thing to do, living with a clear conscience and living true to faith. I said it seems as if the system calls us into ethical and moral conflict if we do the right thing, like me telling unemployment about my disability, we pay a high price in our survival…more stress, more fight or flight reactions, and the more our overall health suffers.
She said most people lose their homes. This is not the first time I’ve heard this and I told her that is why I fight so hard, to keep that very thing from happening, and I don’t understand why it has to be that way.
She cautioned about my expectations for going on disability, it is not very much money at all, and it may not provide me with the rest or peace of mind I think it will. But alas, the great Catch-22, I cannot work full-time and I cannot live off part-time income, no benefits, etc. I’ve worked my tail feathers off the last several years trying to get better and it hasn’t worked, and again, other areas of my health suffer because of it. What I’m doing simply isn’t working, I am acutely aware of and feel the stress taking its toll, aging me.
I started to cry when I said what is the point of fighting so hard if you end up losing everything that matters in the end?