Before I donated the items to charity, I went through the house making sure I had everything. A process I’ve repeated many times, often with a good feeling knowing my donations are sold to help their ministry serving the community.
I thought of all the things I’ve had to let go of in this barren desert after becoming disabled. A job which was my purpose and ministry as well as a sustenance; a relationship with a man who said ‘his love for me would never die;’ my own identity, friendships, relationships with my family, my social life, the ability to go to church and Bible study, the ability to visit friends, travel, the ability to serve and volunteer, and probably the most painful of all, having to let go of my deepest desire of marrying and being a mother. I have cried over that the most. (Brain Injury has one of the highest divorce rates 85% – 90%). Simply put, I miss having a life! It’s hard to not look at others and see how they get to live, and feel jealous.
In the continual process of letting go, sometimes it’s an emotionless ritual. Have I become numb from losing so much I won’t or can’t allow myself to feel? It is difficult living day to day not knowing if I will get to stay here. That has been the deal since I lost my job in 2002, never knowing month to month if I’d get to keep the house.
So much out of control, rapidly spiraling downward and despite my best efforts and cries for help, it continues. I envision my life as a speck spiraling down the drain, out of control to stop or divert it, the path seems inevitable. I hate it because all I have lost and the little that is left. Does it have to be this way? Is this how the story ends?
I have cried so much the last six years and have wondered often, what’s the point of fighting so hard if you end up losing the things that matter most in the end?
I need wisdom to know when to hold on and when to let go. Letting go feels like the disability has control. I hate my personal choices were stripped away the very moment that other car struck.
What in the world do all us disabled people have to look forward to if we lose that which is most treasured and necessary for survival? Do we ‘look forward’ to a life of poverty, being shut-in, no longer making a difference or mattering to the world? I have yet to meet one disabled person who doesn’t want to still make a difference or be a part of the community.
I cannot yet get to the point of getting rid of some of my late Mom’s estate, it’s heartbreaking. I finally decided to sell her sewing machine. I’d spent most of last year selling what wasn’t nailed down on craigslist and eBay. I finally realized these are only temporary fixes to a much bigger ongoing housing problem.
God grant me the wisdom to know what to hold on to and when to let go.