I never get used to making mistakes.
I had my phone off the last couple of days while I got through this bug and had a message from a co-worker of some errors I’d made. This particular co-worker was not being unkind, it still does not feel good. It took me a couple times of listening to the message to understand. It surprises me I make mistakes after five-plus years at this job, and I still don’t see them myself. The old me would never do such a thing.
I don’t miss working in the office being embarrassed in front of our small office, my errors big as elephants spotlighted for all to see. There was a time I had comebacks, and then, as time wore on, none. It was as if my heart caved in and my shoulders slumped to protect an empty torso. There are a lot of heart piercing facets to being disabled, having others point out my shortcomings in an unkind manner is a least favorite.
Sometimes I wonder what they say about me now at the office, am I the office joke?
There is a lot of self-talk we folks with TBI do. In the beginning it is often not very kind, patient, or understanding. It is a process to accept ourselves in light of all the mistakes we now make and how we are different. Nobody I know enjoys having a TBI, but we have to get to the point where we grow strong in the broken places because a house divided will not stand, and really, a lot of times, the only person we have left is ourselves. It is a process, one that usually is a mix of tears, disappointment, grief and frustration when I’ve hit the walls of my limitations and cannot ‘make’ myself be someone I’m not or do something I can’t.
I have had people question me why I can’t do this or that, and I’m sure it is out of a frustration that does not pale my own. If I could do better, I would. I wish I simply had the choice.
I never get used to making mistakes or having people point them out.
“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not;
and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.”
– H. W. Longfellow
Labels: acceptance, embarrassment, mistakes, self-talk