Support group was last night and I can’t tell you what a comfort it is to be around people who understand from a deep place of knowing. There were quite a few newcomers which is sad on the one hand, but I’m glad to be there to be able to give back as others did for me when I was just starting out on this journey.
I spoke with the Social Worker beforehand to see if she’d received my email. I’d learned about a local construction company looking for a family needing a roof, the Social Worker mentioned before she has a client with a tarp over her roof. She had hired a roofing company, they turned out to be fraudulent. Oh my gosh, wouldn’t that be something if she applied and was selected? That would be neat to pay-it-forward since the City had graciously replaced my roof.
Chatting briefly with the Occupational Therapist about my faux pas the other day, I mentioned how that frightened me, when I overdo or get too stressed I go right back to the days immediately following the accidents. She reminded me again this is because I still have a Brain Injury and warned me of the long-term ramifications of pushing the limits.
Not wise on my part at all. I think it’s the fear, anxiety, uncertainty…fight or flight. We pondered together why is it people have to lose everything and also acknowledged the intensity of the financial stress.
Candidly I shared I’ve asked five people to start a fundraiser to help me pay off my mortgage, each one declined! She asked their reasons, I told her, and she was blown away. I am left feeling like I’m not good enough or whatever, and in the process explain over and over again my situation, fully exposing my heart only to be shut down. Reopening that wound is profoundly painful. I don’t know how this will all pan out, there are so many times I feel like I can’t even breathe. I don’t wish to be rich or famous, I just want to have a good life and not be a burden long-term to anyone.
I know that even if I do get approved for disability benefits I wouldn’t be able to afford my mortgage, that’s why there’s this crazy idea to have it paid off. I don’t know how to market myself, get the media attention or whatever it takes. As much as we berate the media, it a tool that looks surprisingly attractive in seemingly hopeless situations such as this.
I did ask at the end of the meeting if the OT would email me with the contact at rehab who used to work for the local paper. The OT had spoken to us quite a while before about having our TBI stories published, and asked for volunteers. I hate the idea of reopening my wound, and this time to perfect strangers, even my neighbors would know, grrrrrr! It’s all so daunting for this woman who was once so fiercely independent and a very private person. I think it is enormously painful for most anyone to ask for help, but I know I can’t do this alone. Ha! We’ve seen the extent that my trying to fend for myself does. Potentially having my story published is solely dependent upon whether its newsworthy or not.
I am also still doing online research to see if there are organizations, ministries, grants, etc., for people in my shoes. There have to be a lot of us who owned our homes prior to becoming disabled. We shall see, all I can do is try.
The OT shared this when I first mentioned possibly doing a fundraiser to help save my home and belongings, she agreed I have already lost a lot. It is a quiet, gentle reminder, no matter what happens, I may not be so crazy asking for help after all!
“Some people see things as they are and say why.
I dream things that never were and say why not?”
George Bernard Shaw