The Memorial on May 4, 2013

Richard and I arrived at the church about an hour before the memorial was scheduled to begin; the volunteer coordinator would be meeting us there.  We arrived and the volunteer coordinator met us in the kitchen, shortly after the pastor came in and introduced himself.

For whatever reason, the pastor didn’t look us in the eyes and that felt pretty creepy!  He apparently didn’t hear me say Richard’s last name and he got him confused with my brother coming from Arkansas.  So yes, we were hitting it off on the wrong foot.  Oh joy, oh bliss.

The pastor showed us the library where we could have some ‘family time’ while we wait for everyone else to be seated and the service start.  LOL, you know I love the idea of family time!  As awkward as ever, at least we’re consistent!

Religious Heart and his son arrived early to prepare for the service, my nephew would read Scripture and my brother would say a few words about Dad.  So, Richard and I sat in the library by ourselves for the longest time.  Eventually Reluctant Heart and Religious Heart and son joined us.  We sat in that strange, quiet, surface conversation not knowing each other well enough to know what to say to each other.  Yeah, we grew up in the same house but that’s about where any similarities end.

Not many people came to the service, I suppose when you get to be that age more of your friends have passed on than are alive.  Finally we were brought into the sanctuary and were seated.  Reluctant Heart brother was there, but Rebel Heart wasn’t.  Rebel Heart came in late and sat behind us.

I tried not to, but cried anyway and could hear Rebel Heart crying behind me.  The service was nice, afterwards was the coffee and cookie gathering…with my family everything seems to be extremely awkward.

People came up to me and thanked me for writing such a touching memorial on the back of the program, I told them I didn’t do it, my Sister-in-Law did.  There was no way I could have written something as nice as she did, I just didn’t have it in me.  The service wasn’t about me or Dad really, it was a service for the people who remain.

Family asked if we were going to go out to eat and I said I didn’t know.  Reluctant Heart expressed a need to go back to work.  Yes, you read that right.

Rebel Heart stayed a short time with his relatively new girlfriend; it was the first time she and I met.  She went to pull out a chair like she wanted to sit down and visit and Rebel Heart said they needed to leave, LOL.

There really wasn’t much else that happened worth mentioning, Richard and I were very glad it was all over.  I did find out later the woman who had been my best friend in junior high through high school  was inquiring if I had gone to the memorial or not.  She even wrote me.  Apparently she was hurt I didn’t invite her.  I wasn’t much for company anyway.  She and I have been out of touch for years, and no, I don’t consider a form letter at Christmas as staying in touch!  Sometimes one just has to let things fall apart that no longer serve him or her in the path to self-care.

It has taken me some time to be able to be settled and peaceful enough to get this written…Richard and I have split up so I’m kind of freaking out about housing and the future.